moonlightdemure
New Member
First post here on the forum, hope I get some feedback or discussion on this, as it's perplexed me for a while.
Apologies for grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.
I've read about a dozen books now on past lives and reincarnation. I had heard the concept of pre-birth planning, but none went as in depth with it, than author Robert Schwartz in his books; "Your soul's gift" And "Your souls plan." It goes in depth about how victims of abuse, rape, incest, and other tragedies, planned them in advance to further their souls development. This case study goes over multiple case studies of survivors.
There was a story in, about a woman who reincarnated with a soulmate of hers. In the pre-brith planning session, she was warned the probability of being abused by this soulmate was very high. She wanted to learn self-worth and provide him with unconditional love, he wanted to learn how to control his temper. The soulmate who abused her in their current life was hesitant as were others in her soul group. Her spirit guides seemed against the idea, but she insisted on reincarnating with him regardless. The relationship was not supposed to be very long, but she ended up being in it for 12 years. They never anticipated she would stay in it for so long, but it happened anyways.
This has opened up a can of worms for me, that makes me wish I never encountered the idea of past lives and the spirit realm.
Souls are obviously not all knowing and perfect, even in the spiritual realm they can carry false beliefs and make 'mistakes' (ie, act unwisely.) They also choose "negative" catalysts for change (like abuse and trauma) over positive catalysts for change (unconditional love, stable home life.) These souls do that because they believe that thats the only way they can learn the lesson on earth.
This led me to some very dark realizations about myself, and the possibility that I may have bitten off more than I could chew in this life in terms of challenges. It's possible I may have made a 'mistake' in my planning.
I suffered emotional, mental, physical abuse all through-out my childhood at the hands of my family, parents, friends, and peers. I experienced a sexually, emotionally, mentally abusive relationship at the cusp of teenage-hood, that destroyed my life. In both instances with my family and ex-partner (who are all a part of my soul group), when I tried to speak up for myself, I had been shamed, blamed, and gaslighted into believing I was the problem. I was abused and stripped of any agency to defend myself. I experienced constant de-humanization. I have encountered this hate and invalidation my entire life. It is insidious and around every corner. I have cut myself off from nearly my entire family, isolated myself from society, all in an attempt to keep safe.
I wonder if while I was planning, I thought the only way I would learn was if I was horribly abused by every single person in my life who I trusted and loved. There is no other reason this would happen otherwise, and I came to the realization that it is bullshit to subject yourself to abuse. Whether it be in the spiritual realm or on earth, it is pure, unfiltered, dog ****, to think that abuse is a good way to learn self-love. I don't know if that was my higher-selfs goal to make me realize that, as I've made a lot of really positive changes to my life in these past few years, but regardless of if it is or isn't, it makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, it has destroyed all the hard-work I've put into loving myself and changing my toxic ways of thinking and living.
Did my soul really carry the belief that I deserve abuse? I've seen so many horrible things in my life at such a young age, I can't take it anymore. The fact that I may have planned this, makes my stomach curl. I feel unable to trust myself once again. If I thought that this was an appropriate life to subject myself too, what other misconceptions and messed up beliefs do I have about myself? What else am I going to subject myself too? I don't want to see the future. I don't want to follow my plan. I simply don't trust my higher self anymore. It has lowered my own opinion of the 'higher-self' concept greatly.
I feel like If i'm at this point in my life where I acknowledge that what I went through was too much, I know a hell of a lot more than my 'Higher self' did (and currently does) when I went into planning my current life. I'm just baffled at the stupidity, apathy, and masochism. There is no way the person I am now, would ever approve of me going through that. This was too much to put one person through. It shouldn't have happened.
In fact, I hate myself even more now knowing that I'm at fault for all the abuse I faced as a child. Knowing that I put myself through this on purpose, makes me sick. I was generally a good person in my past lives, and a considering what I went through in this life, I feel i'm a very fair person now as well. To know that I faciliated and planned my own abuse, rape, and torture, and my soul group, spirit guides, are co-conspirators to it, has ruined me. Its reinforces the very same belief that I've had my entire life; I was hurt, and I'm at fault for it. My Abusers enjoy hurting me, get off scott free, and i'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't feel like a survivor. I feel like a tool.
I don't know where to go at this point. I'm so hurt and sickened by all of this. It's put a permanent dent in my progress. I can't pretend like everything is fine, and that this hurt is all for the greater good, and that I should just power through to the end. I'm tired of my feelings not mattering at all. I feel the disrespect and dismissal from how my higher-self treats me as an unfeeling pawn in a game all too deeply. This is not okay. I just want out.
Apologies for grammar mistakes, english is not my first language.
I've read about a dozen books now on past lives and reincarnation. I had heard the concept of pre-birth planning, but none went as in depth with it, than author Robert Schwartz in his books; "Your soul's gift" And "Your souls plan." It goes in depth about how victims of abuse, rape, incest, and other tragedies, planned them in advance to further their souls development. This case study goes over multiple case studies of survivors.
There was a story in, about a woman who reincarnated with a soulmate of hers. In the pre-brith planning session, she was warned the probability of being abused by this soulmate was very high. She wanted to learn self-worth and provide him with unconditional love, he wanted to learn how to control his temper. The soulmate who abused her in their current life was hesitant as were others in her soul group. Her spirit guides seemed against the idea, but she insisted on reincarnating with him regardless. The relationship was not supposed to be very long, but she ended up being in it for 12 years. They never anticipated she would stay in it for so long, but it happened anyways.
This has opened up a can of worms for me, that makes me wish I never encountered the idea of past lives and the spirit realm.
Souls are obviously not all knowing and perfect, even in the spiritual realm they can carry false beliefs and make 'mistakes' (ie, act unwisely.) They also choose "negative" catalysts for change (like abuse and trauma) over positive catalysts for change (unconditional love, stable home life.) These souls do that because they believe that thats the only way they can learn the lesson on earth.
This led me to some very dark realizations about myself, and the possibility that I may have bitten off more than I could chew in this life in terms of challenges. It's possible I may have made a 'mistake' in my planning.
I suffered emotional, mental, physical abuse all through-out my childhood at the hands of my family, parents, friends, and peers. I experienced a sexually, emotionally, mentally abusive relationship at the cusp of teenage-hood, that destroyed my life. In both instances with my family and ex-partner (who are all a part of my soul group), when I tried to speak up for myself, I had been shamed, blamed, and gaslighted into believing I was the problem. I was abused and stripped of any agency to defend myself. I experienced constant de-humanization. I have encountered this hate and invalidation my entire life. It is insidious and around every corner. I have cut myself off from nearly my entire family, isolated myself from society, all in an attempt to keep safe.
I wonder if while I was planning, I thought the only way I would learn was if I was horribly abused by every single person in my life who I trusted and loved. There is no other reason this would happen otherwise, and I came to the realization that it is bullshit to subject yourself to abuse. Whether it be in the spiritual realm or on earth, it is pure, unfiltered, dog ****, to think that abuse is a good way to learn self-love. I don't know if that was my higher-selfs goal to make me realize that, as I've made a lot of really positive changes to my life in these past few years, but regardless of if it is or isn't, it makes me feel horrible about myself. In fact, it has destroyed all the hard-work I've put into loving myself and changing my toxic ways of thinking and living.
Did my soul really carry the belief that I deserve abuse? I've seen so many horrible things in my life at such a young age, I can't take it anymore. The fact that I may have planned this, makes my stomach curl. I feel unable to trust myself once again. If I thought that this was an appropriate life to subject myself too, what other misconceptions and messed up beliefs do I have about myself? What else am I going to subject myself too? I don't want to see the future. I don't want to follow my plan. I simply don't trust my higher self anymore. It has lowered my own opinion of the 'higher-self' concept greatly.
I feel like If i'm at this point in my life where I acknowledge that what I went through was too much, I know a hell of a lot more than my 'Higher self' did (and currently does) when I went into planning my current life. I'm just baffled at the stupidity, apathy, and masochism. There is no way the person I am now, would ever approve of me going through that. This was too much to put one person through. It shouldn't have happened.
In fact, I hate myself even more now knowing that I'm at fault for all the abuse I faced as a child. Knowing that I put myself through this on purpose, makes me sick. I was generally a good person in my past lives, and a considering what I went through in this life, I feel i'm a very fair person now as well. To know that I faciliated and planned my own abuse, rape, and torture, and my soul group, spirit guides, are co-conspirators to it, has ruined me. Its reinforces the very same belief that I've had my entire life; I was hurt, and I'm at fault for it. My Abusers enjoy hurting me, get off scott free, and i'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't feel like a survivor. I feel like a tool.
I don't know where to go at this point. I'm so hurt and sickened by all of this. It's put a permanent dent in my progress. I can't pretend like everything is fine, and that this hurt is all for the greater good, and that I should just power through to the end. I'm tired of my feelings not mattering at all. I feel the disrespect and dismissal from how my higher-self treats me as an unfeeling pawn in a game all too deeply. This is not okay. I just want out.
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