Poland

[tanguerra]

Reading Ailish's thread about being in a Dublin Orphans Workhouse and it got me thinking. Little children are so vulnerable, even today, if orphaned and sometimes if not. It is so sad. I have a story of my own and I thought I should start a new thread for it. Also, we were talking elsewhere about shocking and gruesome stories, so brace yourself...

[I had the first flash of this one in my teens or so, but had learned how to block and suppress things by then] .... I have a memory of being a little girl, maybe age 10 or so, in a group of little children rounded up and hanged in Poland several hundred years ago during some purge or pogrom or something. This memory came up some years ago when I was trying to work out why I am very intolerant of having things around my neck - like tight collars, scarves, etc. It makes me anxious to have anything even touching my neck at all tightly. I have been hanged more than once, but this one is pretty vivid.

I got the feeling we were Jewish and orphaned, possibly by the ongoing war, and in general too much of a nuisance to look after any other way so there were these mass hangings of children. This was some sort of 'mopping up' operation after the soldiers had been through and the fighting was mostly over. Nasty business. Quite horrible of course. I remember a terrible feeling of helplessness and terror and bewilderment. I deliberately use techniques to tone down the emotional volume on my memories sometimes (!), but I think I was also probably in a state of shock during the actual experience. There is a certain sense of dazedness in it. Also, being very young I probably did not fully apprehend everything as a grown up might.

I don't know exactly when all this occured, but my feeling is 17th century. This sort of thing was, unfortunately, all too common. I found an article about the whole period, which feels right to me. But I have found no mention of a particular massacre such as I remember - but these things don't usually get into the history books, even if they were known about at all in the larger world.

It would probably have been somewhere around this time of upheaval when all this was going on. It took place in some small town. I remember wooden buildings, mud streets, a very cold grey day and going up these stairs where they had set up a temporary gallows over the side of a balcony type structure. I was one of a group of a dozen or so children, some younger than me. They (soldiers) just tossed the kids over the side with ropes around their necks. Then they threw the bodies onto a cart. They hated us, and called us 'little rats' which is why I think we may have been Jewish - it was unfortunately often like that in Poland. (Fortunately I have self-censored what happened after being on the stairs waiting for my 'turn'.) Just one of many gruesome memories I'm afraid.

The next life after that one I was a man and went on a wild rampage with the Polish cavalry or cossacks or similar. When I was having this memory I had the sense that this was pay back of some kind against the people who had done this terrible thing. Red hot revenge!

 

[Ailish]

Thank you for sharing your story, Tanguerra.


What a terribly tragic end for that little girl - and for so many others. It really is awful to consider how little children were valued throughout history - and in present day.


It doesn't surprise me that you've carried forth a dislike of having something around your neck, after remembering a lifetime like that. It's wonderful though - that you were able to remember with such clarity - why and where it stems from.


Aili

 

[ChrisR]

Thanks for sharing Tanguerra.....i'm sorry. Reading about innocent children's suffering is the most heartbreaking of all...


.


.


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[Geordannah]

Thank you


...for sharing your experience. I was astounded by the detail and yes saddened by what happened in your memory. I agree with everyone, how sad about how children throughout history have been treated as nothing more than fodder.


Since remembering this life and death by hanging, has it improved the dislike of having anything around your neck?


I have so much to learn from all of you.


G

 

[vanhalen50one50]

Hey Tang! What a sad memory. I agree with Aili about how children aren't valued what they are worth- everything.


I often block out certain memories, and suppress any emotions tied to painful memories, I guess these are things that I do subconsciously.

 

[tanguerra]

Hi all,


Yes, like many of mine it is a pretty intense one and sad hardly is the word. To me it is more horrifying that people would do things like that to helpless children. I think the hanging was less messy and less upsetting for the soldiers than other methods might have been, but still it makes you wonder how they could bring themselves to do it! Racism I suppose, has a way of dehumanising people in the eyes of others. We have come a long way, but dreadful things still happen every day somewhere in the world and all too often children bear the brunt of it.


However, I also remember being the perpetrator of various things over the centuries of course, nothing quite as dreadful as that though, as far as I know. Most of my memories of acts of violence have taken place against other grown ups in battle situations of one sort or another (mostly).


No, I still don't like tight things round my neck, but I am more relaxed about it and can tell myself not to be silly about it. It is all in the past after all! But I still never last long before I remove whatever garment it is!


I was pondering on it all last night, as writing about it brought it back up to top of mind so to speak.


The next life, also in Poland, was spent, as I said, in some kind of cavalry, hussars or cossacks or something of that nature. At the time when I had the memory of the little girl life, and I recalled the scene of waiting on the stairs, the other little children crying, myself white with fear and I decided I preferred not to remember all the details of what happened next thank you very much (!) my mind jumped straight to what I knew was the next life and I was rampaging through villages with this cavalry setting fire to buildings and so on. My understanding is that we were taking back the same territory from those who had taken it years before. There was an unreasonable joy in the feeling of being a big strong man again and not helpless (my 'higher' self could see the big picture while I was recalling all this, although I was not aware of any of that during the actual life itself).


I have a vivid memory of riding furiously across a field with a group of other cavalry, sabres out, and looking at my captain's vivid blue eyes as he caught mine at one point when our horses drew level. He had the most extraordinary expression of excitement, blood lust and fear rolled into one. Goodness knows what happened after that, but I suspect that may have been my last battle that life, which is why the memory is so strong. Might have been the last thing I remembered that life!


Anyway, these days I am totally opposed to war in any way shape or form. I hope that before too much longer, say, 100 years or so, we will have completely outgrown it as a species. Even though things are still very chaotic in many parts of the world, I believe that we are within 'striking distance' so to speak of being able to achieve an end to war one day, with our global systems and international cooperation gradually improving, people are slowly realising that war is really only in the interests of weapons manufacturers in the long term.

 

[tanguerra]

Very slow day at work today, and too much time on my hands obviously, but I did some googling and it must have been the Polish Lancers (not the Hussars - their uniforms are all wrong). The uniforms I recall were definitely blue, very much like these, even down to the nifty head wear, except the details were yellow, not red. Apparently Poland had quite a large and impressive cavalry at that time before too much war began to impoverish the government (same old story).


I found a couple of web-sites that gave me that ol' de ja vu feeling. These guys are a little bit later perhaps (I think mine was some time in the 1700s) but I don't imagine the uniforms changed that much in those days. I found other images of the late 1800s and the uniform had hardly changed:

http://napoleonistyka.atspace.com/Polish_Guard_Lancers.html

Even if these are just toys - the middle one is not unlike the scene I recalled, sabres out at full tilt, although, of course I was in the middle of it and there must have been up to 50 horsemen - a very exhilarating feelng, you can imagine the adrenalin not to mention testosterone in the air!:

 

[Skarphedinn]

With fire and sword


How a great topic it is about the Chmelniecki's uprising! This is really the age of Ogniem i mieczem (With fire and sword)! I appreciate it a lot.


To add my opinion, hussards or lancers af the early 19th century were noticably different from those of the mid-17th century. The latter wore wings. The Polish ones at least. So the first life was the little girl's, who died by being hanged, and the second one in this row was the cavalryman at assault. Do you think this event took place in the 19th century?


I'd gladly read more on the 17th century Rzeczpospolita if you have anything else to share.


Skarphedinn

 

[tanguerra]

Well, all that 'fire and sword' was not very much fun to be on the receiving end of, I'm here to tell you. It is a long time since I gave up glorifying violence, particularly against the weak and defenceless who usually cop it in these situations. War! What is it good for?


Does this particular period interest you for a reason Skarphedinn?


Really, all I know is that there was a blue cavalry uniform, similar to that in the pictures above - no wings. I saw pictures while I was googling, of the " winged hussars" and they looked very impressive, but that is not what I recall. Those uniforms would have been very scary on first sight, but surely they would have been cumbersome?


Anyway, my feeling is that the first life was late 1600s and the second earlier 1700s somewhere, but I have no evidence to base that feeling on. My feeling is that the first lot of people (who killed the little girl) were not government troops, but were annexing or "reclaiming" some land for some local warlord/nobleman type person. They were not really dressed like 'regular army' although to my little girl mind they were all 'soldiers'.


The next life it felt much more like official government troops reinstating the king's official claims, not least because of the proper uniforms, but also the feeling that I got of being on the 'right' side and reinstating the rule of law (such as it was back then).


I did a quick google and it seems that scenario is not too far from the probable situation at that time of great upheaval in Poland, when various "noblemen" were often pursuing their own interests, fighting amongst themselves, not to mention devastating the local countryside, and so on.

...However the series of power struggles between the lesser nobility, the higher nobility (magnates) and elected kings undermined citizenship values and gradually eroded the government's function and authority. After the series of devastating wars in the middle of the 17th century (most notably the Chmielnicki Uprising and The Deluge) Poland-Lithuania stopped being an influential player in the politics of Europe.... http://www.answers.com/topic/history-of-poland

 

[tanguerra]

Now I am spooking myself out with this. Still very preoccupied with this memory, I was thinking last night, surely what I remember can't be right. People just don't behave that way! I remember these Cossack-types (rather roughly dressed and not very clean people, rough and swearing) laughing and joking mind you while carrying out their grisly work killing little children, which seemed somewhat unbelievable to me in my normal (non-meditating) day-to-day state of mind.


After all, I don't know anything about Polish history, how could I know all this stuff (yes, even I sometimes doubt myself) and I thought I would do some research into it all. I did not even know if there were Cossacks in Poland - I thought they were only Russian. Surely I had made a mistake?


I found this. Indeed the Cossacks were particularly prone to massacre Polish Jewish communities, with the intent of driving them out of their lands - so I have far fewer doubts now!:

Chmielnicki Massacre (1648-1649)
... In 1648, the Cossacks, led by Bohdan Chmielicki, began a series of campaigns by instigating the uprising of the Cossacks against the Jews. Chmielicki told people that the Poles had sold them as slaves “into the hands of the accursed Jews.” Angered by this notion, the Cossacks massacred tens of thousands of Jews during 1648-1649, in a war that would later be considered among the worst of that time period. ... Cossack cruelty was so great that many Jews preferred to flee to captivity under Crimean Tartars, to be sold as slaves. The Deluge, as the catastrophe came to be known, brought devastation to both the Jews and the general population during the years of insurrection, invasions and wars. Famine and epidemics swept through parts of the country... http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/vjw/ukraine.html#c

It goes on to describe lots of nastiness (although not the exact incident I recall).


I urge you not to read it if you are easily distressed. It kind of makes the Nazis look almost comparatively humane with their gas chambers and so on.


The things people have done to one another throughout history continue to boggle the mind, even if you were 'there'.

 

[Skarphedinn]

Ogniem i mieczem


Well, I can imagine how bad it might have been to suffer all that violence which is generally part of war - any time, any place. You certainly know more of it - by experience.


I don't think it was a particularly good and easy part of history, and I don't intend to praise violence, however I happen to know relatively lot of it after seeing Ogniem i mieczem for quite a few times. It's an excellent film, I recommend you boldly, or if you can get its music, you'll enjoy it surely. This is my brother's favourite time and culture, that's where my knowledge originates from. Mine is Saga Age Iceland and late Hundred Year's War France - I have already found people here also being interested in the latter one.


Killing Jews for their religion is not a specifically Nazi thing, however it is the most famous raid against them in modern history. It has already done by many nations, religious or non-religious groups from the ancient times - for example the Jewis War in the 1st century AD, and it also happened many times in the Middle Ages, during crusades, by the Inquisition. And as we can see, in the Rzseczpospolita as well.


My philosophy (on war and violence and many others) is excellently described in the Revolution of Consciousness, a talk amongst Ervin Laszlo, Stanislaw Grof and Peter Russel. I have given a link to its English version, you can see in the Jung-thread. Have a good fun to it!


Skarphedinn

 

[tanguerra]

Thanks Skarphedinn.

This is my brother's favourite time and culture, that's where my knowledge originates from. Mine is Saga Age Iceland and late Hundred Year's War France - I have already found people here also being interested in the latter one.

It's funny the individual things people are attracted to isn't it? Makes you wonder whether they were there and if they had a happy time, or at least a memorable one, in those periods. I have never really had the least bit of interest in Poland. This was just one of those random memories (one of dozens). Something about France in the 100 years war always interested me for some reason. I recall one life in that era (also not a very happy or fortunate one I'm afraid).


Sometimes I will see a film and feel very excited by it, others I'm just 'yeah, whatever, just a movie' - it does nothing special for me other than a piece of general entertainment. I guess it depends what you relate to on that level.

 

[Skarphedinn]

It was fortunate to identify and publish these random memories. You say it really smelt like sweat and blood to assume it happened in reality.


Hundred Years' War was not a particularly peaceful period, not at least in Western Europe, but there are still ones interested therein - including me.


Skarphedinn

 

[tanguerra]

Hi Skarpheddin


Yes, I assume it happened in reality! If not, it is a very elaborate and specific psychodrama coming up from my id (or something). Either way....


I have been brooding on this memory the past few weeks and feeling sort of moody, upset and so on about it. Coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, my neck has been giving me all sorts of jip. I often get little pains here and there in the neck like anyone, but the past two weeks it has got much worse so that I can't turn my head to the left more than 45 degrees without a sharp pain on the right side. I have not been doing anything that might explain this in real life that I am aware of, have not got a new pillow or whatever.


So, I thought, hmmmm perhaps these things are connected. I decided to do a meditation on the little girl life and see if I could do some self-healing on the whole scenario (as you do).


So...meanwhile back in Poland...there I was up to the point where I blocked it all out before - waiting on the stairs with other crying children. I decided I would allow myself to go a bit deeper into it this time, while still maintaining control of the situation. I had a few more horrible images which I wont trouble anyone else with and got right up to the point where I was grabbed roughly by the arms by one of the men then thought, "That's enough now!" and stopped it there.


I backed up from there and went into the emotions of the situation. Although, as I thought, the emotions were a bit muted, due to shock and sort of disbelief at what was happening (it was too much for such a young person to comprehend really), underneath the disbelief and the terror was a feeling of extreme helplessness and hopelessness. There was no way out of this situation. Nobody was going to come and save us. Our parents were dead and these people obviously did not care about us. Underneath that was a terrible, burning, seething rage that this could happen (which I carried over into the next life).


Shifting focus somewhat I decided to channel some love, courage, comfort and reassurance to my little-self, if you dig. I told my little-self that it would all be over quickly and that it would be OK and then once it was over, I would be safe and with my parents again. I told my little-self that there was a lot of love in the world and not all people are bad and cruel.


This made me ("both" of us) feel much better about the whole thing. Whether it really made any difference to little-me 'back then', who knows (my view of time is very plastic, but I know not everyone agrees) but it certainly made big-me feel better. I had an image of my little self lifting her chin and deciding to be brave if nothing else. I felt an immediate change in my neck area - a lightness and releasing feeling which I stayed with for a while until it all sort of faded out.


In the morning, although it is still a bit tender and stiff, the neck feels much improved and I can look over my shoulder again.

 

[Karoliina]

Thanks for sharing, Tanguerra. A great example of meditating and self-healing. :thumbsup:


Still, feeling sorry for the little girl...


Karoliina

 

[Ailish]

Tanguerra,


I’ve been reading along – and very much enjoying your story. Thank you so much for sharing.


I agree with Karoliina – your most recent experience was an incredibly beautiful illustration of the power of our thoughts and intentions – and willingness to heal ourselves.


Aili

 

[archival]

I have to add, Tanguerra, that besides your sharing having an emotional impact on me, I was also fascinated with the idea of you reaching back and offering comfort to your former self and the sense that it may have been received.


I have wondered if we have some sort of current connection which does not necessarily apply to linear time in which we are able to connect and pass on experience to the past, much like the past is able to do with the present. Does this in any way actually change the present if such reassurance is received, and by it being received offers up a better state of mind in the present? Or is it symbolic and does not need to have a foundation in potential understanding of time frames, or rather, need to be in "real" actuality?


I would very much like to hear your thoughts on this.

 

[tanguerra]

Thanks guys. Yes, that poor little girl! I got all choked up when I was writing it out. Those dreadful people! I still feel a bit of rage!

The power of the mind is really quite extraordinary. I have been doing this for a really long time but, anyone could try focusing love and so forth to a past situation and it would surely make them feel at least a little bit better.

Well, archival, I think it is a bit of everything.

We had a long and interesting chat about this a while ago: Living all our lives at once

My feeling is that any influence on the past will probably be fairly subtle. Have you ever had an experience where you just 'know' everything is going to be OK (or the opposite) in the midst of some crisis? It is a bit like that. If you listen carefully you may hear a small voice telling you something. Where does it come from? The subconscious? What is that anyway?

As to being able to influence past or future outcomes of events by going back and warning your past self of imminent danger for instance you get yourself in a space-time continuum tangle if you look at time as a long skinny line as opposed to something more multi-dimensional (and give yourself a headache). Is it symbollic? Is it 'real'? Why not both?

I have had the experience of having an active, 'real time' dialogue with one of my former selves. It has happened more than once as well with the same "guy" / iteration / whatever-you-call-it. I wrote about it.

Once I had a three way conversation going with Native American guy (whose name is "La-hi-himba") and my future self when future-me was troubled about something going on in the future and I was (will be?) feeling a bit out of my depth, stressed out, etc. :laugh:

I wrote about that somewhere as well, but can't find it. [found it: America] 'Myself now' reminded 'future self' of the book I have written recently on the topic of love, just stick to basic principles and you can't go wrong, etc. and Lahihimba chimed in as well telling future-me to remember that we simply don't get pushed around and to stand firm like a mountain and let the rivers flow around as they will (Lahihimba is very poetic and visual in his imagery - partly because he speaks a different language and we must rely on images, metaphors and pictures to communicate, but 'I' am also highly visual and fond of metaphors so it works).

Present-me then told future-me to cancel all appointments, take a break, clear my head of distractions, and go back to basics and remember what it was we were trying to achieve and all would be well. Who knows if 'I' did it, but I got the feeling I did (will do it) and it will all work out OK. (I hope that is all clear! We really don't have a construction in English to cover the future/past tense in this situation!)

So? What's going on here? Perhaps I just have a very overactive imagination. Perhaps I am ready to be fitted up for a straight jacket. Perhaps all this is 'real' and it is perfectly possible to have a chat across space and time. Either way, my neck is even better today than yesterday.

[Relevant connected threads]:

America

The future

 

[archival]

Glad to hear the neck is better.

Have you ever had an experience where you just 'know' everything is going to be OK (or the opposite) in the midst of some crisis? It is a bit like that.

This, I completely understand, and I had this in mind when I asked the question.


Time is an odd thing, isn't it?!

 

[tanguerra]

Nothing stranger! Our experience can be nice and simple or much more multi-layered than we might reasonably expect. I don't begin to understand it all, I just know it happens sometimes.


I was remembering about your camping trip adventure you talked about a while ago. Is this the experience you are thinking of, or have there been others too?

 

[Ailish]

Hi Tanguerra,


I was wondering if you've had any other memories of this life - or any updates you'd like to share?


Aili

 

[tanguerra]

Hi Aillish,


No new memories. I have been thinking a lot, however, about my relationship to my 'warrior' type lives and how I relate to that aspect of my nature. I am vehemently pacifist, anti-war, vegetarian, anti-violence and don't even countenance people raising their voices in my presence (except in laughter or song). However, this is not due to any meekness or fearfulness, but rather to a desire to create 'peace' everywhere I go. I am hoping to be able to something very practical about that in my next life, for example, I don't know, something involving the UN or similar. I would like an end to war one day so that nobody has to go through anything like that ever again.


Although the 'warrior' is still very much part of my nature, I would never think of harming anyone, quite the contrary. For example, there was a minor scuffle in the street the other day. It involved two (rather silly) men I know slightly outside a cafe a couple of doors up from where I was sitting doing the crossword with a friend. There was a difference of opinion and one smacked the other on the nose and the smackee leapt upon the smacker and pushed him to the ground with his hands around his throat. Just one of those silly things that happens when young men have a little more alcohol than is probably wise. Various other men had got themselves involved either joining in or attempting to break it up, so there was a bit of a pile up happening within seconds.


I thought someone might actually get hurt, so I said 'excuse me a moment' to my friend and strode over and very calmly pulled them all apart one at a time by the back of their collars (very effective method) and got the smackee off the other chap by pulling him up by the ear and the collar (even more effective, he was rather cross). It was all over in moments. I gave them both a stern lecture and told them to apologise to each other, I didn't care who started it and I was not having any fisticuffs of any sort while I was trying to enjoy a quiet evening. Problem solved. Mind you, a woman can probably get away with that more than a man can and I am quite tall and strong and was sober which is a big advantage. I can be quite authoritative and even intimidating when I want, you can perhaps imagine.


I went back to my seat where my friend was very startled. He asked, "How do you know how to do that?" I said, "Oh, I don't know. I just did what comes naturally. It wasn't difficult or anything". He continued to marvel that a woman had a) jumped up to sort the situation out b) been so quick and effective c) was not the least phased by the whole thing. I thought it was funny if anything. To me something like that is as simple as breaking up a squabble in a kindergarten.


I was thinking about it later on that evening and I recalled breaking up a fight between soldiers in a camp more than once in some previous life (probably ancient Rome, I might have been some kind of 'sergeant' whatever the equivalent was back then of whoever had to keep the guys in order). Those guys were big, combat trained and armed! Not cafe latte drinking nitwits after one too many Chardonnays!


So, what's the point of that story? I have been thinking a lot about 'the correct use of force'. When is force necessary to stop a fight, when is it necessary to defend the weak, how can the need for it be got rid of one day altogether (we're obviously not there yet). I have been contemplating it a lot and writing down notes and ideas. I am thinking of maybe writing a long article or something on how are we ever going to make an end to war, once and for all, how could it be done, that sort of thing.


Reference to Italy

 

[Karoliina]

Nice post, Tanguerra. :thumbsup:


And this made me laugh:

I can be quite authoritative and even intimidating when I want, you can perhaps imagine.

(Yes, I can imagine. )


Karoliina

 

[tanguerra]

Heh heh! I only use my powers for good nowadays though.

 

[tanguerra]

I thought I would try to 'round up' some of the various threads of my stories together to make them a bit more coherent.


This is a bit from the 'My friend X' thread that really also belongs under the heading of 'Poland'.

I had another memory about X not long ago that I thought I would toss in. For a long while I knew there was some sort of 'oath' I had sworn at some stage in relation to him, but could not get any detail on it - so I knew it was probably something 'bad', which is usually the way when a memory won't come to the fore easily.
The song 'Fields of Barley' is a lovely and evocative song and everything, but whenever I heard it, and it came to the chorus, I would feel a strange and powerful X-related feeling:


"I never made promises lightly
There have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold..."

While I was away on holiday recently a piano bar man was singing it downstairs and it made tears come to my eyes. I thought "Dang it! What is this?"

So, as I had plenty of time and nothing particular to do, I did a meditation on this 'oath' and what it might be about. I saw a golden field, perhaps it was barley? I saw blood, I knew I had killed someone (oh dear!).

The memory was set in Europe (maybe France or Germany? hard to say from the costumes alone), some time when duelling was common - 17-18th century? All this occurred out in the countryside somewhere, away from the capital.

I was a man and had been having an affair with X who was a (very beautiful) woman who was a little 'above' my social level. After some time, the affair was discovered and honour was required to be satisfied. I remember killing her husband with a rather hefty sword. It was nothing like the polite dueling with rapiers you see in the movies, there was no mucking around, it was all over very quickly. (I will spare you the gruesome details). I felt a complete disgust with myself, partly because I really thought her husband was a good man in many ways, and I was by far the better swordsman (maybe I was a soldier? I certainly knew exactly what I was doing) so it felt very unfair, but also because by this time I had begun to realise that this woman had rather a weak character (X has/had many faults along with his/her many virtues and charms, and certainly inconstancy and a certain fecklessness are among them!).

Nevertheless, I swore an oath I would love her always, whether she deserved it or not, to make this taking of a life have some meaning. Although the feeling was as strong as it has always been, I felt a kind of horror at the power of my feeling for her which caused all this trouble, even though she was 'not worthy' of it, even though I could not help it. I don't think we married, but I did continue to be her friend and supporter for the remainder of that life.

Well, I don't know if you can carry oaths over from one life the next, but it certainly fits our pattern in many ways!.....

...I did a bit of a meditation on this 'incident' again last night, wanting to get a bit more detail. I did not get much - just a few fleeting glimpses - as I found it hard for some reason not to let my mind keep wandering - it was very hot, which was a bit of a distraction - also, I think I have the 'essentials' and my subconscious does not really want to rake over all that again!
I got a good look at the scene when we first met that life. She was wearing an unusual blue and yellow dress 18th century in style - with the bodice reminiscent of a military uniform with a folded back lapel and brass buttons - some sort of patriotic tribute to our 'fighting men' I thought. It was a bit like this, but with the lapels folded out artfully to expose a tasteful amount of decolletage. (X always has and still has a liking for unusual clothes). She was sitting on a sort of couch, in a 'salon' surrounded by various people - some officers in uniform and some socialite types - some kind of afternoon party at someone's house, when our eyes met. It may have been Poland? That would sort of make sense with my personal time line, but I can't say for sure. I think we were both pretty young - early 20s or so.

I also remembered her in a black dress at the funeral, after I made her a widow and feeling a strong sense of duty towards her because of all that, although it would have been dishonourable and personally disagreeable to marry her. The scene where I killed the husband is very strong. I was not in uniform, as that would have been very incorrect, this being a 'private' matter. (I remembered standing in a hallway with a candle, deciding fairly grimly what to wear - getting dressed in the cold before dawn). I remembered dispatching the poor fellow as well and quickly as possible, as honour demanded back in the day, but then kneeling on the ground in the dirt, for a long time afterwards, not weeping (there were other people around - witnesses? seconds?) but feeling very wretched, angry, disgusted with myself for getting into this mess for the sake of this woman - hence the oath. It is odd to remember feeling the emotions of a male, tough, soldier with the associated cultural thoughts and ideas of the time from my present viewpoint.

My friend X

 

[tanguerra]

More 'Poland' from an earlier post:

X has gone gadding out the door, without his bicycle helmet to a groovy club in high spirits, because he has a bit of a crush on the attractive young thing who works behind the bar (although he is 'sort of' seeing someone else at the moment). He's just got over a cold and is feeling better and is all set for a fun night out...He makes me smile. He has been home a lot the past few days (coughing and sniffling) and I am perfectly content to sit down here, in peace and quiet and write a little thought or two while he goes off to make "goo-goo eyes" at a barmaid.
People often wonder how two people, such as we, live together so platonicly. "Don't you get jealous?" they ask, if he is seeing someone. "Doesn't he?" if I am seeing someone. No, we don't. Not at all. Well, perhaps a teensy bit sometimes. I explain, it's a bit like Seinfeld and Elaine in the TV show from a few years back. They don't have 'a relationship' any more and they don't really seem to want to, because they have something better. At the end of the episode when Seinfeld or Elaine have broken up with some hilarious, but unsuitable, other person, their friendship goes on, from one series to the next. You get the idea that they will still be friends when they're old and grey, no matter what might happen in between, and that's a nice thing. It's a bit like that with X, but without such good hair.


Sex is not the only way to be happy and relate to another person. In fact, it can be destructive especially when infidelity is involved, as it has been with us more than once (and not just this life).


....


The other afternoon I had a brand new past life memory,which I have not had for a year or so, the last one also being about this same, particular, unfortunate episode [the whole 'Poland' thing]- and I described the circumstances here. Mostly I have been mulling over things I already 'know' and contemplating their significance for me now (which is a very good thing to do in 'flat' periods, by the way).


I was lying on a seat in the back garden, a lovely spring day, visitors gone, X out somewhere or other having fun, housework done and I thought - "I have nothing I have to do but lie here and enjoy the sushine. How marvellous!" It is sometimes in such moments when my mind slips into 'neutral' that these things occur. I remembered making love with X in that life, when he was the married woman I was having an affair with. It was very strange. I remembered the dreadful urgency of that feeling! Something which is hard to describe, but it was a very masculine thing (men will know exactly what I'm talking about, I'm sure). It was not the same as a female experience. I remember not feeling particularly 'joyous' about it either at the time, although I was 'exultant' (is kind of the word) it was not a happy feeling. I was a rather hard-hearted customer back then I think, certainly in comparison with my much gentler self these days. I was Polish, I was dour and I had an 'attitude' about life that only a young man of that age and those circumstances would have. I was of a lower class than her, and I was ambitious in my career, but this risked everything. I realised (now with my perspecitve of hindsight) that we had only made love a few times in that life before disaster, the duel, dishonour...everything went wrong. I think she had played 'the coquette' with me for some time, and I was very young and although I had experience of the world, the war and so on, I had not had enough experience with women to see that she was 'playing with me'. I was just helplessly besotted and I did not like the feeling particularly either. That was it. It was just a flash.


It occurred to me (now) that most of our affairs (including in this life) have not involved very much sex really. Usually only a handful (if that) of encounters of that nature. Even in this life, for the few brief times we were 'together', we used to spend more time talking and laughing than anything else. I wondered if this was because every time we did 'get together' in that way, in the past something terrible would happen?


Funny I never thought of it before!

 

[tanguerra]

I have been thinking about this little 'flash' a bit during the week and more bits and pieces have been floating up about this ill-fated affair in Poland. Firstly, I think I probably judged X fairly harshly in that life thinking she was 'playing with me' only. But we were both very young. Not more than 24 or so I would think. Knowing X as I do, I think she certainly did not wish or expect all that terrible stuff to happen! She was probably just bored and wanting to have some fun and attracted to me (well, it happens, doesn't it) and not thinking about the consequences at all deeply or carefully. This is something the present life X also struggles with sometimes (although slowly, he learns). Essentially she was very much like X is now (but without the mania for sci-fi). She was funny and delightful and clever a bit 'fey' and of course, as usual, I was simply mesmerised.
I was much more ambitious, driven, aggressive and so forth in that life than I am now. I was a man, of course, and a cavalry officer in a very proud tradition. I was a lieutenant or whatever the equivalent might be. Not yet a captain, but wishing I were. I had a flash of how this would be with the other men in my regiment if the news got out! The scandal! I did not feel I had any other choice but to behave the way I did (although, obviously it seems extreme to a modern person). Times have changed. These things were taken much more seriously back then. What X and I did would create some fuss these days, but blood would not be necessary to settle it.


But, no excuses. I was very full of my own pride, superiority and honour and so on and it wasn't really a pretty picture to confront. Partly this was learned from the culture of the day, of course, but partly also, there is a bit of that in my nature even now. It has got me into trouble (and I admit, kept me out of trouble) more than once this life, but it was interesting to touch it, taste it and examine that personal trait of mine in a more extreme form and then think how far I have come!


Then, funny how things can be synchronous X rented DVD of 'Molliere' (the new French version) and we were watching it together and I got all 'de ja vu' because it was on the same themes (although of course, in a very lighthearted French way not such a drastic Polish way!) of infedility, love v ambition, honour, soul mates, jealousy .... It occurred to me that it was time to just 'lighten up' about the whole thing. After all, it is in the past and we have both grown a great deal since then, so that's a good thing.


Simultaneously X's love life is a bit entangled at the moment and earlier that evening we had been talking about it I had been advising to him about 'doing the honourable thing' in relation to the shennanigans taking place, meaning just to be honest about the seriousness of his intentions (or lack of them) toward a certain somone. X and I sometimes discuss 'relationships' as a general theme, our own various amours over the years, those of other people... He tends to think that I take too serious a view, with my talk of trust, honour, respect and so on. While I often chide him for being too frivolous. "But isn't it supposed to be fun?" he asks, quite rightly of course. But I will say, "Of course, but it's not fun if people get hurt" - quite rightly of course...


Anyway, we watched the film, I thought about all this at the same time, and we had a laugh enjoyed it very much. Then there came the moment for the hero to step up, be honest, set things back to rights, in order to bring the film to its proper happy ending. Both at almost the same time we said (to encourage the hero, while he struggled with his dilemma, as you do sometimes when watching TV) "Do the honourable thing".


Of course, he did and it all worked out beautifully and they all lived happily ever after. It's better that way.

 

[PrivateTucker]

Wow...what a horrible way to end a life, as such an innocent child. I...rarely have words for such things.


Interesting how you came back as a Polish cavalry solider in your next life- a desire to defeat instead of being defeated?


My own feelings of Poland, despite what happened to me there, are overwhelmingly positive.


I have a love for the language, the people, the food. Reading about it from time to time gives me a longing for Poland that is hard to describe.

 

[tanguerra]

Interesting how you came back as a Polish cavalry solider in your next life- a desire to defeat instead of being defeated?

Oh yes, very much so! As I described, a feeling of 'red hot revenge' was uppermost at the time. Not admirable perhaps, but the truth!

 

[tanguerra]

I bought myself a new pair of boots this week, and could not help thinking of this post Fashion Quirks and smiling. They are long, over the knee boots, which is 'the style' this winter and they are fab, of course, but I have been going all deja vu about Poland this week while I have been wearing them.


When I rode home on my motorbike recently, in the cold one evening wearing them, I remembered wearing just such boots as a cavalry officer (though not in suede of course). I remembered feeling just such a sense of satisfaction for my good boots, designed for the purpose of riding - keeping the knees warm, preventing chafing of the legs... Pretty important if you spend a lot of time riding in the snow after all...


...Earlier, the same evening, I had stopped into a place I go to sometimes with X and we had a lovely evening and all and X liked my new boots and everything. (It's marvellous to have our old friendship back, but better now without drama). But later, X had gone home and I was still sitting chatting with my friend, the bar owner, by the fire for a while, before braving the cold once more.


He suddenly came out with a story, about a time in his youth, with a certain young lady, who was the girlfriend of his best friend. She had made 'an advance' (let's say) towards him. He had put her off (with a certain amount of will power needed at the time apparently). It was a good story, and despite being a female, it felt like a kind of 'man to man' talk we were having, by the fire ...


I suddenly flashed into being in the barracks, sitting by a fire one evening (even actually drinking vodka as we were doing the other night!) talking to one of my comrades about my predicament. It was just a moment, but it's funny how a similar situation will trigger little moments like that. My friend told me his story and then said 'It's funny, I don't know why I'm telling you all this! I've never told anyone that story before. I haven't thought about it in years!'.


Funny old world.