Triggers - Remembering loosing a baby

[deborah]

I started a thread YEARS ago titled the same, but thought I'd start a new thread since this one is haunting me.
I had surgery on my left shoulder 4 weeks ago. It was suppose to be a minor surgery and ended up a major surgery. I was not prepared for what came out of it. I have had surgery before so I wasn't a newbie.

They did the big needle in the neck with the monitor screen next to me. I could see the needle moving around, it hurt like hell but I was quiet the whole time. He put the needle in three times to numb my neck, shoulder and arm. I could feel it slowly taking over my left side as he proceeded. They had a cap and gown on me, three blankets and wheeled me into surgery. They sat me up - which was weird but to get to the front and back I was told it was necessary. I was strapped in a sit up position. The anesthesiologist said; "OK now we'll give you some oxygen." I knew he was lying...BOOM I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room, tried to move my arm but it wasn't there. I picked it up with my right hand and placed my left arm on my stomach. It was DEAD. Yeah yeah, that dead feeling is what is expected for a while. But for a brief moment I saw a dead baby, a black baby. I moved it again and my whole body cried. It was a dead feeling I have NEVER felt before. I would say he was about 6 months along....I cried in the recovery room. For almost two days my arm felt like a dead baby. I have tears now writing this - RIDICULOUS. I've had so many PL memories about living as a black woman 1840 - 1891. This one is/was a shocker. In my book Beneath The Surface I have written about the many situations, horror and trauma Clara (I) went through and over the years (1985-2020) of journaling, meditations, dreams and regressions - I have healed.

As simple as it sounds, and as weird as it is/was it's been a month! So OK I get it. Time to do a meditation about the circumstances surrounding loosing this baby. Part of the process I guess is writing it down and sharing it with you all. Facing it head on. I have never had a miscarriage, or lost a baby in this life.

 

[John Tat]

Very interesting.... I have never had exact similar experiences... My beliefs are that the spiritual and physical are separate.. but connected... they have to be because one dies never to return the other goes on and on
The question I have asked myself many times is... does or can the spiritual us experience trauma? .. Is the trauma felt by the physical entity remembered as spiritual memory?
From my experience's it depends on how it happened.. The best example I can give is.......in my last incarnation when the physical entity died a sudden and traumatic death ... I really do believe that was a real shock to BB my spiritual self ... I believe it blind sided him and shocked him.. he was not expecting it.. and that is the trauma that is in his memory.. not the trauma the physical entity experienced even though he has a complete memory of what happened.. By saying that it's important that the physical trauma and spiritual trauma memories can be and are very similar and as you know can come out when going through things like you were.... It all depends on where they are coming from and how they were recorded

 

[Klaud]

Very interesting.... I have never had exact similar experiences... My beliefs are that the spiritual and physical are separate.. but connected... they have to be because one dies never to return the other goes on and on
The question I have asked myself many times is... does or can the spiritual us experience trauma? .. Is the trauma felt by the physical entity remembered as spiritual memory?

I think so. I've always had a fear of large bodies of water, and the sound of a lot of rushing water really freaks me out.

I visited Lake Michigan a few years ago and I went into the shallow part of the water with my friend and her baby who'd never been in the water before (she wasn't a fan either lol). I remember looking out over the water and having this weird feeling of dread like the water was gonna swallow me somehow. I couldn't move for a minute-totally locked in place.

At the time, I didn't quite know why I had that feeling, but I understand now. During my life in Greece, I ended up being caught in some kind of massive ocean wave and drowned.

I assume the trauma from her memory is also why I regularly dream of floods or the occasional drowning of myself.

People always talk about how relaxing beaches are, but I can't share that sentiment.

 

[deborah]

I do have to make a note here - and it illustrates a problem most of us have. We go to what we are familiar with. I am assuming Clara in the mid 1800's a young black woman. BUT there are many cultures with darker skin and I have yet to do a meditation around this.
It was the EMOTIONAL reaction to the FEELING that went very deep while I was wide awake. A deeper emotional impact than I can explain here. I have a lot of memories of Clara, however, that doesn't mean it was. I am assuming.

 

[Eva1942]

....
But for a brief moment I saw a dead baby, a black baby. I moved it again and my whole body cried. It was a dead feeling I have NEVER felt before. I would say he was about 6 months along....I cried in the recovery room. For almost two days my arm felt like a dead baby. I have tears now writing this - RIDICULOUS.

....I have never had a miscarriage, or lost a baby in this life.

In my WWII lifetime, I had what could have been three children, only I aborted one and miscarried the other. The daughter I gave birth to in 1930, only returned to Spirit in 2017 and lived a long healthy life at the expense of my own and her father’s (who was murdered in 1942 when she was only 11). Anyways I digress.

When I miscarried my child in mid 1942, I cried like I’d never cried before. My whole body cried and I sort of went into a cycle of over working to compensate for my loss. I had continual questions, and it took me until this lifetime to realise why I had those questions and to find the answers. While I had considered some of the answers back then, I never really knew the whole answer until now. Also I’ve never cried like that again since.

When I aborted my baby in mid-late 1941, it passed just like a heavy period, and I could not grieve, no matter how hard I tried. Being a Jewish woman in hiding and posing as a German woman denied me a lot of customs that felt comfortable and natural to me. I used to wonder if these two were connected in a sense, until I learned the lessons in this lifetime of infertility. It was a lesson for me to respect my body and that I couldn’t just abort my baby because I was Jewish or because if I had carried it to term, I couldn’t look after it properly, by shielding it in some far away country or raising it as a German (both these times the father was pure Aryan/German).

I think we learn these lessons in whatever form is possible or most suitable for us. In the past four years alone, I’ve managed to - like you, tackle these traumas, memories and emotions head on, and heal them to the point where I’m no longer infertile, but the ‘Jew fears’ still remain for me of ‘what if they find out my baby is Jewish?’. Had you thought that perhaps your arm feeling like a ‘dead baby’ is the way you chose to heal these particular triggers and trauma surrounding the death of your baby as Clara?

I hope you do find the healing and love you’re looking for. I wish you all the best,

Eva x

 

[deborah]

Thank you for sharing Eva and your sweet best wishes; I'm lagging on facing this. Still haven't done a meditation although I will. Teaching six College courses is TOO MUCH! So Needless to say - not much free time. I find your experience very interesting - as it is a whole body experience, and emotional.

 

[Eva1942]

Thank you for sharing Eva and your sweet best wishes; I'm lagging on facing this. Still haven't done a meditation although I will. Teaching six College courses is TOO MUCH! So Needless to say - not much free time. I find your experience very interesting - as it is a whole body experience, and emotional.

It was very emotional, draining and indeed a whole body experience. I still feel the effects sometimes in this lifetime too. Probably the reason why I haven’t had children in this lifetime, (in fact I know it is. Hidden Jew fears).

I hope you get the chance to do it soon.
Eva x