Seeking support for traumatic/violet lives as warrior/soldier

[warriorheart]

Hi all,

I'm brand new to the forum, because I realized I needed to seek out some help from folks who wouldn't think I was coo-coo for Coco Puffs for what I'm going through. Here's my deal:

I've had spontaneous flashbacks to about 7 or 8 past lives, most of which involved being a soldier/warrior of some sort; pretty much all of them involve some serious trauma: being betrayed and killed; being captured and tortured for information (which I did not give); being raped and murdered (one of my very early and very few female lives, besides this one--part of the reason I've always felt more at home being male); and numerous other gory battlefield flashbacks and impressions.

The problem is, I'm a reiki healer who receives intuitive information in a deeply somatic and empathic way. What that means for me is that when I have visions of my past lives, I don't just see it or receive info; I'm basically dropped down into a specific memory and RELIVE IT, with all the horror, blood, pain, rage, etc. It happens like this (the last one, for instance): I'm in the kitchen, when all of a sudden, I'm dropped to my knees, and find myself in a battlefield, looking at the metal breastplate of my fallen brother/best friend. I reach out and grab it with blood-covered hands and pull him against my breastplate, I am screaming and crying in wild grief, rocking and cradling him in my arms; I'm cursing God for taking him, and realizing that no war, no cause is ever worth this. It is raining, I can feel, not see dead bodies littered around us, the ground beneath me is slick with gore and viscera; I can even--really seriously--*smell* blood. With my physical nostrils (this one makes me feel especially crazy). Then I am looking, again, at the blood on my hands, realizing the death and destruction I've caused, and crying out to God, now, for forgiveness, weeping and rocking with my face in my bloodied hands. And then it's gone and I'm in my kitchen again with tears streaming down my face, and I get a few breaths before I am gripped by it again, and it runs through the same exact loop maybe a few times until it's done with me.

After these kinds of sessions, I feel emotionally and physically numb and drained, and haunted by the horrors of war I have just re-experienced. It feels like PTSD, and has had long-lasting effects into the rest of my life, especially in the last few months. I feel the grief and judgment of myself in that life, that I am a murderer, no better than a common cutthroat, that my actions are unforgiveable, and this feeling echoes into even darker places in my past that my guides don't let me see/experience directly, but that I feel in my guts. I feel it all like a grey cloud hanging over me.

I realize that throughout time, we've all been 'sinners and saints', responsible for reprehensible acts, as well as selfless ones. I also realize that these lives made me dedicated to embodying warrior principles in more peaceful ways--as a martial arts teacher today, as a vegetarian who gets faint at the sight of blood, and as a healer dedicated to preserving life, not taking it. However, experiencing these traumas first-hand (again) has been shattering for me, and I'm having a really hard time reconciling the self I know with the deep, dark shadow impressions and memories of who I once was.

Does anyone experience their recall with this kind of intensity? If so, how do you deal with the after-effects? Any other warriors have advice to offer in dealing with vivid, visceral memories of death and destruction? Ideas on how to work through it, and find compassion and forgiveness for myself and others? Other ways your warrior past affects your current life? I'll be glad to share any information on my process that might be of use to others, and hope to hear from anyone who resonates with anything I'm going through. Sorry if my descriptions have been grim or graphic, and thanks in advance for any help, or just for reading this all the way through! BTW, I did read through any similar posts I could find back to 2010, but nothing was quite what I needed.

 

[usetawuz]

Hello Warriorheart and welcome to the forum.


I had a similar traumatic past life wherein I caused death and destruction which was a primary cause of a difficulty I had in this lifetime. It manifested itself by preventing self-forgiveness and self-love and forced me to put myself in untenable positions in nearly all my relationships. I resolved the larger issues with a hypnotic past life regression. This event walked me through my acts, and the "beings" witnessing it all with me held nothing but compassion towards me...reassurances that my acts, while regrettable, were part of what I was to do; I may have gone to excess, but my hanging on to the memory to my current detriment, was also being done in excess.


We then discussed the understanding that what I did in that lifetime is not something I am guilty of now, as that life stands on its own and has nothing to do with this one unless I choose to drag it along. After what seemed like hours of walking around that idea, we discussed the simple but deep thought that "if God can and has forgiven me that lifetime, the acts and pain and suffering I caused then, why can I not forgive myself?"


I was given a simple prayer that became like a mantra...I do not know what it was called, or how it works, but combined with the realization of what was causing my problems and the desire to let my past acts be forgiven and the knowledge that I choose to love myself, I have found a change in how I live my life and how I protect myself. I say it whenever I sense personal negative thoughts arising. "I apologize, I forgive you, I thank you, I love you."


I hope it helps as it did for me...and I apologize for unloading like this.

 

[Nightrain]

Does anyone experience their recall with this kind of intensity? If so, how do you deal with the after-effects?

It is an inescapable reality, that even though one becomes hardened and numb to the experience of death and destruction, one is always destined to suffer the eventual repercussions of those experiences in some form or another—whether through flashbacks or a slow erosion of one's sense of personal peace. I have found that such repercussions are usually proportionate to the degree of spirituality that one feels, because the latent memories come crashing in with greater drama when one's moral compass is strong.


In my opinion there are some things that can be done to help mitigate these incursions of trauma and moral doubt, which include reading the Bhagavad Gita. Among the wisdoms included in this very short book is a passage of moral fear being contemplated by the hero Arjuna as he overlooks the enemy camp before battle. It has struck a very powerful chord in me, and may do the same for you.


Best wishes and welcome to the Forum!

 

[Mama2HRB]

{{Warriorheart}} and {{Usetawaz}}


I am speechless ... I cannot imagine ....

 

[Nightrain]

It feels like PTSD, and has had long-lasting effects into the rest of my life, especially in the last few months. I feel the grief and judgment of myself in that life, that I am a murderer, no better than a common cutthroat, that my actions are unforgiveable, and this feeling echoes into even darker places in my past that my guides don't let me see/experience directly, but that I feel in my guts.

I have come to believe that the symptoms of PTSD can be related as much to past life experience as to present life experiences. And, like present life experiences, we can often get to the source of our difficulty by re-living them in some way—either symbolically or through regression.


It has been my experience that returning war veterans will often find themselves furtively watching war movies and documentaries, even though they will refuse to talk about their own experiences, or admit their interest. Others will divert that interest in some symbolic way. Those who repress their natural inclination to re-live those experiences will usually end up with chronic nightmares or even near psychotic flashbacks in which they actually believe that they are back in combat. And, I believe, the same may hold true for anyone with similar past-life memories.


One may wonder why some images come crashing in on us from out of nowhere, especially when any trigger mechanism seems remote or impossible. But, whether any trigger can be discerned or not is beside the point. The underlying fact that such things happen is, I think, because the human soul NEEDS to review such experiences in order to understand them in the light of our eternal spiritual existence, without fear and apprehension.


Those who search the many posts in this Forum will sometimes happen upon the question whether regression into these painful traumatic experiences is healthy; and will find that the answer is an unqualified and unanimous YES. It is healthy—indeed necessary—to delve deeply into those memories, because the results almost always seem to solve serious issues in one's present life. There should be no perceived fear in doing whatever is necessary to relive those memories. There are any number of techniques in doing so, from meditation to guided regression by a trained professional therapist.

 

[Jody]

Welcome to the forum, Warriorheart. War is grim and graphic. It would behoove more people to remember this before they toss out diplomacy.


I know I've been at war before and it really hurt me. So these days I channel the lion's share of my energy working for peace -- blogging and doing street activism among other things. I think it helps a lot. There is such a thing, I think, as being a "Warrior for Peace."

 

[warriorheart]

Wow, it is my turn to say I am speechless. Thank you so much for all of your heartfelt replies.


To Usetawuz: Yes, those feelings are exactly what I'm going through. My guides (aka, "the beings" around me) give me immense feelings of love and compassion, and I hold no belief that I am being judged by Spirit. Rather, it's that I have trouble finding love, compassion, and forgiveness for myself. It's strange, because a lot of these feelings and thoughts in the last few months have come tinged with Catholic overtones about atonement, being a "fallen angel", and far from "God", which would be almost funny if they weren't so intense, because I'm not Christian in the least, and don't even agree with those concepts (consciously, in this life). In the recent flashbacks, it's clear they come from that particular lifetime in the European middle ages, 1300's maybe, which is especially significant because it's the last time I participated in war.


The flashbacks around this life aren't actually as random as they seem. I have had particular difficulty forgiving someone who (it turns out) was the young man who agreed to die in that life, so that I could learn the lesson that war and killing were never worth it. That moment on the battlefield was extremely pivotal for the growth of my soul, and it took great love for him, and for us to agree to go through it together--which is also what I realized about this life. In this life, I dealt with intense betrayal from this person, and lost my relationship, my spiritual community, and my job helping lead that community, because of him. However, I also founded a new spiritual community more in line with my shamanic work (no kidding, Nightrain, on that fierce moral compass), and found a wonderful, more supportive partner, which wouldn't have happened otherwise. I have been working actively towards finding forgiveness for the last year and a half, but I kept feeling righteous about it, because I stood in integrity and honor, played by the rules and got "screwed over" for being "the good guy", while he was doing his best--successfully--to tear my life apart with lies and fear.


Apparently, he has since recanted his ways, admitted to his lies and self-deception to those around him, and counts me as a teacher who stood in the face of his storm and showed him what courage and integrity really mean. This was gratifying to hear through a mutual friend, but frankly, I still kind of wanted to cut off his kneecaps, considering all the pain and heartache I went through. I felt like he owed me for what he'd done, and relished thoughts that he would "pay for it" in future karma. It was a bitter pill to swallow to realize that I'd actually owed him, and that I had no moral high ground to stand on, from which to judge him. I guess I'd been feeling morally superior in my finely honed sense of honor, and it was bitter medicine to be reminded that it came from my guilt and remorse over many lifetimes doing things much worse than what he'd done. But it is bitter and beautiful medicine that is helping lead me to healing.


Usetawuz: thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are incredibly helpful to me, and what are we all here for, if not to unload some of our burden, and shoulder it in shared work together? There are no apologies needed for that! I would be glad to listen to you anytime.


Nightrain: As I mentioned, you're really right about the moral compass. It's part of what has thrown me so much to realize I wasn't always the noble warrior I thought I was. Even with the best intentions, you lose your mind in the insanity of war, and do things you're not proud of. I have always taken such pride in displaying the tenets of my martial arts: courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, and indomitable spirit...it really shakes my core sense of self to realize I have been capable of reprehensible acts, and even of enjoying it, or being good at it. I realize that there are even darker parts of myself from even farther past that I'm not allowed to see, and I'm frankly glad. I always wondered why it wouldn't be helpful to remember our past lives, and now I understand that we'd never be able to bear the collective trauma.


Thanks for the reference to the Gita--I love it, but haven't picked up my copy in a while. Do you know, off hand, what section that passage was in? I'll have to go dig mine up. It's also funny that you mention the thing about war movies, because I thought it odd that my sould could be so stirred by the pomp and glory of laying one's life on the line for a belief, while at the same time horrified by the gore. I love antique weaponry, uniforms, and war movies as a general rule (usually only old-school style involving swords--now I know why), but I've been watching Battlestar Galactica obsessively, which, despite being set in the future, is very much about the gritty human condition when pitted against survival in times of crisis. It vividly explores humanity's flaws and failings, as well as heroism, shows the whole gamut, and doesn't try to sort it out. It's been fairly therapeutic for me.


Jody: I agree with the 'warrior for peace' thing, but I find that macho warrior self in me sort of snickering about it, and feeling that peace is, well, sort of pansyish (please don't take that personally, I have total respect for peace advocates, I'm just struggling with my inner warrior). I'm pretty removed from politics, so I find my work has been mostly in the realm of the spirit as it is. I'm realizing that I have a host of issues related around my 'warrior complex', and one of them I'm trying to come to terms with is how to be a guardian or protector without resorting to violence, when the other side is determined to use it. How can I agree that war is never worth it (or on a smaller scale that fighting is never worth it), as long as there are people who will take advantage of others? If I watch a person being bullied, should I not stand up for them? Likewise, on a country-wide scale? On the other hand, responding to force with more force instead of love only creates an escalating spiral, and it creates an 'us/them' mentality that is spiritually false. These are complex moral questions I'm struggling with, and trying to find balance with. As a tough, powerful, intense person, I'm also struggling to learn to be more vulnerable, to ask for help when I need it (that's why I'm here), to take care of myself (my inner warrior also snickers that 'it's nothing' unless my arm is falling off), to open myself to 'tactically disadvantageous' situations where I'm not in tight control of things...and of course, I realize that I am called to practice forgiving and finding compassion for other people--a lot--(which I'm terrible at) in preparation for finding that for myself.


Anyway, thanks so much for everyone's responses. I'm glad to hear whatever else anyone has to add.

 

[Nightrain]

It's part of what has thrown me so much to realize I wasn't always the noble warrior I thought I was. Even with the best intentions, you lose your mind in the insanity of war, and do things you're not proud of.

This reflection of which you speak is similar to "The Gloom of Arjuna" found in Part One of the Bhagavad Gita in which Prince Arjuna is looking out upon the camp of the enemy on the eve of battle with his trusted spiritual adviser, Krishna. The reason for his gloom is that he realizes he must vanquish those in the camp who were well known to him and mutually loved, but who now wish to usurp his rightful throne. The entire book is chock full of wisdom based on an allegory of life's moral dilemma in which we must choose to do things which we find uncomfortable or even wrong, in order to accomplish what is right.


In other words, life is not all black and white, and morality is not nearly as simple as some would make it out to be. Sometimes we have to dig our hands into the muck and mire of blood and guts in order to protect what is just and right; and in so choosing we are often wrong. But, the lesson of reincarnation is that we must make all the mistakes in order to get it right.


Of course, my summation is but a gross over-simplification of the 184 page text. The point here, however, is that our moral choices have existential outcomes that are both good and bad. We save a life and that life is spent in the future as a serial murderer. Were we wrong in going out of our way to save that life? Or, we decide to not get involved in a war, and we find out that the war was necessary to prevent mass genocide. Were we wrong again? Of course not.


What Krishna is telling Prince Arjuna is that we live "a thousand lives" in which we are tested to make choices. In Arjuna's case, the right choice is to engage his enemies in battle regardless of the outcome, because it is how he is being tested, and to shirk his duty would only cause others to die without justice. The issue here is not whether war is just or not, but rather that we all make choices which eventually lead to outcomes that we would rather not have to deal with, both good and bad.


I understand what it is like to make decisions of life and death, and have dealt my entire life with moral dilemmas. I can tell you that having a strong moral compass is not easy to live with, and second guessing the past can keep one from moving into the future. What you described in your introduction resonates very strongly with me, and can cause serious issues in one's daily life. But, I can also tell you that it is possible turn those experiences into wisdom, simply by recognizing that these experiences—both good and bad, moral and immoral—are the purpose of life, whether in past incarnations or in the present one. And these experiences will make you the better person.


Reincarnation is the leg of the table that is missing in religion, because it teaches us not only that there is no death; but also that there is no right or wrong, because there is no judgment. Therefore, there is no reason to judge ourselves and others so harshly.

 

[Ceridwen]

Well - my guess is Warriorheart that "there but for the grace of God". I guess that actually those of us who DON'T have such memories may actually have done much worse in past lives (ie killed many more people and been much more heartless about it). I can understand where one could kill someone in totally "cold blood" - IF you were quite quite certain that they personally were evil and needed to be stopped. One can only presume that, in those previous lifetimes, you got conned by those in Government into believing totally innocent people (who just happened to come from a different country/tribe/etc to yourself) were evil. We all get conned somewhere along the line and believe things that are palpably not true - so maybe thats why you were so awful back in those previous lifetimes (ie not because you were evil - but because you were conned by those in power into believing that the "opposition" was evil) iyswim.


Maybe the difference is that those of us who refuse to play any part in wars and have come into this life with absolutely no memories of having done anything like this - but an absolute pointblank refusal to have anything whatsoever to do with wars in any shape or form at any time - no matter to how minor an extent have a good reason for being this way (but we just don't remember it). This is where I'm at personally - as in I won't so much as help produce any written records for people re wars they have fought in/wouldnt do anything AT ALL. I am upset that some of my taxes are being paid against my will towards prosecuting wars and if the way ever becomes available to divert that portion of my taxes I will take it with relief.


My guess is that I have learnt to be so "violently" opposed to war for a couple of reasons - one being that I have been such an utter ******* in previous lives in this context and made myself a promise "NOT to remember - except to the extent that I won't go anywhere near behaviour like that ever again". I have had reinforcement of this in a rather unexpected way - in that the father I have in this lifetime was in the Armed Forces for quite some years and I struggle badly with how my own father could be an ex Armed Forces guy (when I know that he is basically a decent sorta person). It IS made easier for me by the fact that he told me "It was that or down the mines and I wasn't able to have the career I am capable of (because of coming from a poor background)" and he has said that his overall conclusion is that wars resolve nothing and he would never fight again. Beyond that - I don't ask and he doesn't tell - because I find it so difficult to handle that he did this. I don't wish to know if he murdered anyone in the course of this.


I guess thats the difference - a war that someone fought in a past lifetime ...well...thats a PAST lifetime and nothing to do with the person one is now. Whereas if anyone started recounting things they had done in a war in THIS lifetime - then I'd take off out the room and start running. One is a past lifetime - so who can judge about that. One is the present lifetime....and I'd have taken off and started running away literally from the person concerned before I stopped to even think about it consciously as to how to react to them.


I think it will probably be a few centuries yet before the majority of the Human Race has advanced on beyond fighting wars - meanwhile there is still a sizeable proportion of people who will take part in wars or, at the least, be proud of "our boys" when they go to do so.


I believe we have all been warriors before now. The question is as to whether we have "grown beyond" this personally and it sounds as if you have - so forgive yourself for not having known any better in the past.

 

[Truthseeker]

I was given a simple prayer that became like a mantra...I do not know what it was called, or how it works, but combined with the realization of what was causing my problems and the desire to let my past acts be forgiven and the knowledge that I choose to love myself, I have found a change in how I live my life and how I protect myself. I say it whenever I sense personal negative thoughts arising. "I apologize, I forgive you, I thank you, I love you."

This sounds like Ho'oponopono. It is a Hawaiian prayer of cleansing and forgiveness. It is supposed to release stuck negative energy by expressing love, gratitude, and asking the devine for forgiveness.

 

[Lady2]

Warriorheart…I can relate with you so completely…I too, have had many male lives as a warrior/soldier, and was born female this time. I remember a couple lives in the same intensity you describe, (which is truly as close to re-living something as one can get). Raids, massacres, battle…Mostly during the medieval era. When you said ‘you lose your mind in the insanity of war’ it gave me chills – so absolutely true.


However, war is not something we can even try to understand until it is all over, only then is it more clear, and say we should have done this or that. But in the moments before a battle begins, nothing is clear, let alone what is right or wrong - fear, confusion and self preservation take over. None of us should blame ourselves for what we have done in the past – it was done under different circumstances, from a different viewpoint & mindset.


You are remembering these things for a reason, perhaps to understand yourself better, to move on completely. I believe sometimes the soul must remember and acknowledge the past to move on to the future fully.

 

[warriorheart]

But in the moments before a battle begins, nothing is clear, let alone what is right or wrong - fear, confusion and self preservation take over. None of us should blame ourselves for what we have done in the past – it was done under different circumstances, from a different viewpoint & mindset.

Lady2 - so true, and thank you for your post. It *is* really good to remember that we were acting under completely different circumstances, and like you said, in the midst of the melee, not only fear and confusion, but also rage, adrenalin, and ferocity take over under conditions of self-preservation. The part of us that feels pain, sorrow, remorse, or morality shuts down.


I really deeply know that I am re-integrating these things for a reason. In this lifetime, my primary work is around opening up my heart and softening my warrior edges--this is part of my path as a healer. My work is learning to feel again, to take off my armor, to trust in compassion and forgiveness, and to mitigate the side of me that goes into a rage and wants to go to war--for whatever reason. To learn that the entire world isn't always divided in a struggle for power.


In response to Cariad, you are, of course, free to believe whatever you like, but I personally don't believe that everyone has been a warrior. I think it's very likely that we've all done reprehensible things we wish we wouldn't have, in the long history of our one life lived in many bodies. But I don't think that everyone has the memories or mindset for warriorhood, and I don't think lack of memory means you've done something 'worse', necessarily. I think it means it's not your path or your struggle to deal with, at least this time, or perhaps ever.


I also want to note that I put both "warrior" and "soldier" in my post, because I believe there's a distinct difference between the two. I'm proud to call myself a warrior, and it's not something I have any desire or call from Spirit to 'move beyond'. Rather, the call is to take what is noble and strong about warriorship for the good of others, and to heal and integrate the parts of me that are currently damaging or holding me back. For me, a warrior is someone who stands inside their truth, no matter what kind of firestorm comes down around their ears, and believe me, I have stood in that fire many times in this life. A warrior stands up for what they believe in, whether the realm is physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.


Robert Bly, in his book "Iron John", discusses this when he says, "the quality of a true warrior is that he is in service to a purpose greater than himself: that is, to a transcendent cause. Mythologically, he is in service to a True King. If the King he serves is corrupt...or if there is no King at all, and he is serving greed, or power, then he is no longer a warrior, but a soldier." -p. 150 This is the most succinct way I have ever found of putting the difference between the two, and it gets to the heart of what a warrior is all about: service to the higher good. It's not unusual that the trope of the warrior-priest is with us, because both warriors and clergy have the same desire to give their individual lives up to be part of something greater, whether it's the idea of a nation, or God. I believe this reflects the deep yearning of a soul that remembers what it's like to be immersed in Spirit, and desperately longs for that feeling of transcendent dissolution.


But this is philosophy, and I did not come here to philosophize, but to heal. I wanted to make some notes for anyone else that may come across this post in future with similar issues, to offer up the example of my own journey. So, in the last few days since posting, I've been focusing on my resources, and I want to note them.


As I mentioned, I've found myself turning to Iron John, which has an interesting chapter called "To Bring the Interior Warriors Back to Life". There are lots of excellent passages that helped me put words to my feelings. For instance, continuing on the line of warrior/soldier, he says, "The Sacred Warrior has a blessed side and a poisoned side. It is no surprise, then, if earthly warriors have a sacred and a twisted side also. One man is a self-sacrificing warrior fighting for a cause beyond himself; another man is a madman soldier, raping, pillaging, killing mindlessly, dropping napalm over entire villages." Or, you know, one man is both in different lifetimes.


I also did enjoy perusing back through the Bhagavad Gita, (thanks for reminding me Nightrain), particularly the second part. One of the things I'd been dealing with was the horror of killing, and our morality about it, that it was the most terrible thing that could be done. But in the long scheme of things, those of us who remember our past lives know that we, and all beings, are immortal, and can never truly be killed. Taking the life of a body is like saying, "Game, match, reset", and sending the soul back to Spirit to rest and try again. What is horrible about that? The horror comes from the human body, and the trauma we experience in the event that becomes impressed on our soul, and that's what we have to work through. But it's also possible that the death we wield is mercy, for a soul gone astray that needs to be reset, or one that we literally cut off from causing even greater harm.


There is a famous story in Buddhism, about how the Buddha remembered killing a man in one of his previous lives. The story goes that he was on a boat with this man, who he knew was going to murder all the 500 people on board. So the Buddha took his life, with the intention of taking on that difficult karma, in order to spare the man from incurring much worse karma. Interestingly, in the story, the focus is never on the importance of saving the lives of the 500, but on saving the man's soul. Not that we live inside that level of consciousness all the time, but just something to think about.


Getting back to the Gita, Arjuna says, "In the dark night of my soul, I feel desolation. In my self-pity I see not the way of righteousness...for neither the kingdom of the earth, nor the kingdom of the gods in heaven, could give me peace from the fire of sorrow which thus burns my life." (2:7-8) Krishna replies at length, condensed here: "Thy tears are for those beyond tears; and are thy words words of wisdom? The wise grieve not for those who live; and they grieve not for those who die - for life and death shall pass away...If any man thinks he slays, and if another thinks he is slain, neither knows the ways of truth. The Eternal in man cannot kill: the Eternal in man cannot die...For all things in truth must die, and out of death in truth comes life. Face to face with what must be, cease thou from sorrow." (2:11, 2:19, 2:27).


I have more to add, but I must end there for tonight. Thanks everyone for the conversation and the space to work this out.

 

[usetawuz]

This sounds like Ho'oponopono. It is a Hawaiian prayer of cleansing and forgiveness. It is supposed to release stuck negative energy by expressing love, gratitude, and asking the devine for forgiveness.

I think you may be right...I remember at the time I was told to use it, the name and source were explained but I was so mentally caught up in the rest of the operation that I only took the message without hearing the source.


Another aspect of that violent lifetime I mentioned above, and my particular portion of the brutality and murder was the identification of one of my victims as a protagonist in my current personal circumstances...Ms. X. She has surreptitiously acted against my interests at every opportunity, all the while I considered her a friend and at times a confidant. A psychic friend asked who I knew named X, and I described her. The psychic mentioned specific occasions of which I was aware, but I had not known of the negativity X was actively promoting directly towards me in those occasions, and the psychic made it clear that X harbors an almost manic desire to see me fail at whatever I am doing, and will do so at every opportunity. I told her about my regression and she said she will do what she can to hurt me, but those issues are hers, they are no longer mine. My role, with this knowledge, is to simply steer clear and minimize her opportunities as when I am not around she won't think of me. The karma for my previous actions was balanced long ago...and Ms X's issues are clutter she must clear for herself.


An aside...to me it is just this sort of knowledge of the connections we have with everyone we come in contact with that defines and gives clarity to our lives. My whole quality and enjoyment of life is improving as a result of this expanded understanding of the way everything fits together...and for a portion of that I thank the owners of this messageboard and all of you who contribute your thoughts and feelings and ideas in such an honest and open manner.

 

[Sharry]

To remember taking life sounds as traumatic as to remember your life taken.

 

[Mama2HRB]

I have had particular difficulty forgiving someone who ... was the young man who agreed to die in that life, so that I could learn the lesson that war and killing were never worth it. That moment on the battlefield was extremely pivotal for the growth of my soul, and it took great love for him, and for us to agree to go through it together--which is also what I realized about this life.

He sacrificed greatly so your soul could grow, that shows the depth of his love for you ....

In this life, I dealt with intense betrayal from this person, and lost my relationship, my spiritual community, and my job helping lead that community, because of him. However, I also founded a new spiritual community more in line with my shamanic work ... and found a wonderful, more supportive partner, which wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I see this not as a bad thing but as a good thing. By forcing you away from the situation you were in with your spiritual community you were able to found the new spiritual community where you are not only happy but have found that wonderful partner. I think he did you a favor.

I have been working actively towards finding forgiveness for the last year and a half, but I kept feeling righteous about it, because I stood in integrity and honor, played by the rules and got "screwed over" for being "the good guy", while he was doing his best--successfully--to tear my life apart with lies and fear.

I am sorry this happened to you, but I think that it was something you two planned before you came here. The issues you tackle together are very intense, as I am sure your spiritual connection is. Perhaps that is why your feelings for each other, whether good or bad, are so intense.

Apparently, he has since recanted his ways, admitted to his lies and self-deception to those around him, and counts me as a teacher who stood in the face of his storm and showed him what courage and integrity really mean.

My thoughts are he has recanted because you have taken the necessary steps to create the spiritual community that you were supposed to and so there no longer is the need for his actions.

... It was a bitter pill to swallow to realize that I'd actually owed him, and that I had no moral high ground to stand on, from which to judge him. I guess I'd been feeling morally superior in my finely honed sense of honor, and it was bitter medicine to be reminded that it came from my guilt and remorse over many lifetimes doing things much worse than what he'd done. But it is bitter and beautiful medicine that is helping lead me to healing.

I hope the healing can continue and your friendship can resume.


An important lesson I have learned in life is that forgiveness is for the one forgiving. Hatred will just eat you up inside.

 

[AliceRedHawk]

I have lived a lifetime or two as a native american warrior. I dont know much about him, although i can see him in my mind. I cannot imagine what you are going through; just know I send love, light and healing Hugs your way!

 

[throsso]

I am new here and haven't much to say,except that I, too, know of these difficulties. Exploration of the life(s) has helped me. Best of fortune with your acceptance of these memories.