Past life memories explain where I am now?

[soulcat]

I knew what the concept of reincarnation was before I knew what the word was. This was between the ages of maybe 2-7. I remember thinking "if you don't like


this life you can get it right next time." When I was about 7 or 8 these thoughts, "memories" faded, I went to a Catholic school from kindergarten to undergrad in Uni


but I never considered myself Christian because I thought "what they're teaching me isn't what happens when you die." (No offense to any Christians here, this is my personal


experience). I guess I was more or less an atheist/agnostic. In my late 20s I felt a strong sense to come to Northeast Asia, I'm from the states by the way, I still can't pinpoint the reasons, it was like an inner voice. I worked in South Korea for about four years at first, it was a good experience but I always felt a need to be in Japan. I was ready to give up because it's much harder for a foreigner to find "good" opportunities in Japan, but one day a completely out of the blue, great experience popped up and brought me here. I feel extremely comfortable here, many Japanese people say when they talk to me they feel like they're talking to a native and there's something about me that separates me from other foreigners. Many other cultural aspects fit my values, thinking, and just the way of doing things.


During my time in Korea, I started reading a lot about Buddhism in my spare time. I met some people who were having lots of mental anguish like myself and Buddhist thinking/philosophies really helped them, and needless to say it has helped me a lot too. As you all know, a well known aspect of Buddhism is reincarnation, I embraced this aspect last and approached it with much skepticism. As I said, my thoughts of reincarnation faded around 7-8 years old. But out of curiosity I picked up Journey of Souls, then read Dr. Brian Weiss' first book and so on and so forth. It started making a lot of sense and now I'm convinced beyond any doubt that reincarnation is real.


Sadly, I've also felt gender dysphoria since I was young enough remember. I'm male and it all feels wrong, I suffer everyday, but I don't consider surgery or anything like that because I wouldn't want a western woman's appearance (again, no offense to anyone), I have a real great family I wouldn't want to disappoint, and I've realized the body is only a temporary vessel and when I finish whatever business I have here in this life maybe I can get it right next time. It is also my understanding from the books I've read that we have some choice in the matter. Maybe this life is more or less like a bridge from a previous life to a future life with a lesson to be learned.


Perhaps I remember too much from a previous life minus fine details and it has left me with lots of confusion. I consider it my burden to carry and try to make the best of it. I've been very lucky so far, I've traveled to 40 countries, I'm healthy, speak several languages and as I said I have a great family, so while I feel confused I also feel blessed because I've seen poverty and suffering in its purest form during my travels and realize I could have it much worse. But sometimes I feel like I'd trade all my blessings to just to "be me" whoever that may be. Asian woman? I don't know. Every day I just try to be the best person I can be and to help others (humans and animals), especially the less fortunate, that brings me the greatest sense of joy.


I feel very lost sometimes and don't know where my home is in this world. But when I read about reincarnation, somehow it helps me make sense of it all, if that makes any sense (no pun intended). I'm happy I found this forum, it was mentioned in Dr. Tucker's book Return to Life.

 

[noblenature]

Something that may help some of you as it did me, is the notion of living a life or lives as bodhisattva. The Gordian knot of the reincarnate becomes a much more easy traverse when you realize you're "back" for a reason...

 

[Mere Dreamer]

I always felt a need to be in Japan. I was ready to give up because it's much harder for a foreigner to find "good" opportunities in Japan' date=' but one day a completely out of the blue, great experience popped up and brought me here. [/quote'] Ugh. This feels so familiar. I get frustrated with myself for feeling so strongly about it, because I honestly can't even imagine how I could support myself and my teenage children in Japan. And yet I remain convinced that I should be there, that I will be there,... and the country and culture call to me even though I'm very aware that it's not some idealistic place and comes with its own challenges, not the least of which will be learning the language. (Though I do have a feeling that Japanese in particular won't be as hard for me as other languages would be.) I just want to set anchor there for a time and test this feeling. Perhaps I have something to do there. *Telling myself I will find out in time, if so.*
It's nice to know that you have found your way there and found it agreeable to you. Somehow, someone else having what I hope for makes it feel less frustrating to not have it myself. *laugh*


I find individuals who experience gender dysphoria fascinating, perhaps because I've never felt too strongly about being either gender. I almost wish I understood how it feels, so I could show more empathy and less curiosity. I don't know if it's a comfort to you, but my distinct memories of being a man in multiple lives only make me aware of how I am always more like myself, whether male or female, than I am like anyone else or any other creature. I am always uniquely me, even within a variety of cultures and social situations. Well, perhaps I do feel a sense of "dysphoria" in that I'm not a dancer this time around. That does frustrate me, even though I know very well that I can do something about it if I just put in some effort. So far opportunity and willpower have not yet aligned.


Each physical avatar constrains my sense of "self" in a similar way to clothes that pinch, confine, or flow around me change the way I move and walk. They may be uncomfortable in some ways, but there is always something to the outfit that makes it worth it. Drama. A new perspective. A sense of flowing motion. Connecting to people in a certain way. And it's all informative.


I once read an article about someone who put on a police uniform for some creative endeavor. It was a single afternoon, but he said that the clothing changed how he was seen walking down the street so significantly that his own experience and perception of the world around him changed as a result. He began to feel more responsible for and to others, for one, along with other minor shifts in his mental construct of "who he is" in life. He put away the uniform with some relief after realizing how much of a shift such a simple change in costume could make in his perspective and sense of self.


I'm sure travelling from one culture to another creates a similar opening in perspective, where you realize that how you feel yourself to be isn't always how you are perceived through the expectations and judgments others make. I've experienced it myself between Bolivia, the US, and Canada. To have experienced more locations and the ways people remain so similar even among all their differences must be fascinating. I know I can't imagine locking my identity down to a single nationality as a result of my small exposure to variations in culture and perspective and how they changed my view of the world.


I'm glad you've been able to travel. Would you say seeing yourself in contrast to a variety of cultures has helped with the dysphoria in a way, perhaps by creating a wider context for your identity in this life outside of gender? (If my curiosity is invasive, then please ignore the question.)

 

[soulcat]

Ugh. This feels so familiar. I get frustrated with myself for feeling so strongly about it' date=' because I honestly can't even imagine how I could support myself and my teenage children in Japan. And yet I remain convinced that I should be there, that I will be there,... and the country and culture call to me even though I'm very aware that it's not some idealistic place and comes with its own challenges, not the least of which will be learning the language. (Though I do have a feeling that Japanese in particular won't be as hard for me as other languages would be.) I just want to set anchor there for a time and test this feeling. Perhaps I have something to do there. *Telling myself I will find out in time, if so.*[/quote']
Many people feel a calling to be here because they are attracted to the anime/manga/geek culture. (And I'm not accusing you of that, I just want to know if you have a genuine feeling for being in Japan). In my case I believe I do. None of that stuff appeals to me, some I like to think I'm here for a more sincere reason. Unfortunately, those people who are attracted to that stuff create a flood of foreigners here making it harder for people who really want to be here be here. The language is hard, for the mere reason that it is so different than English, but I study every single day and reached a solid intermediate level. As mentioned many people say they feel like they're talking to a Japanese when they speak to me, just yesterday, yet again someone told me this. It's eerie in a way.

Would you say seeing yourself in contrast to a variety of cultures has helped with the dysphoria in a way, perhaps by creating a wider context for your identity in this life outside of gender? (If my curiosity is invasive, then please ignore the question.)

To be honest, being in Asia makes more uncomfortable because I see these women and wish I were one of them, and I feel kind of disappointed and a bit jealous. I don't feel this as strongly in western countries and I may go back home someday for this reason. For the record I'm straight and attracted to women, I don't condemn homosexuals (whatever makes you happy) but for me it doesn't make sense, in other words, wrong "equipment." But as female I imagine and know I would be straight.

I almost wish I understood how it feels, so I could show more empathy and less curiosity.

Be careful what you wish for. It's a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.


​If you have any more questions feel free to send

 

[Mere Dreamer]

Heh. I do read manga and watch anime with my teens. After all, they're entertaining. But if that was all there is to Japan it wouldn't feel this compelling. The stories are too overly dramatic to believe they represent the country or culture realistically. If that were my motive, what would I do with myself once I got there? Sit around in manga cafes, go to tea ceremonies, and shop for figurines? Might as well be a tourist for that. I can understand how frustrating it would be to deal with people who want to live there for that reason, alone.


If I look at logical reasons, I'm drawn to the place partially because I have acquaintances there with whom I've shared multiple past lives. I'd love to get to know them again. I've also been fascinated by the history and culture for a long time, especially since the vivid memories of at least one and possibly two lives I spent there long ago.


Interesting that you are straight no matter what body you're in. I'm interested in this detail since others have mentioned similar experiences. It seems that being gay is a separate element from soul gender.


I'm straight as a woman, but tend to be gay (or bi) when I glimpse lives as a man. That detail is part of what convinced me that I hadn't "just imagined" my initial memories, because at the time I was still in recovery from intensive religious training that condemned being gay. It simply could not have occurred to me to imagine myself in that situation. Not as a man, and definitely not attracted to men. However, it felt completely natural when it happened.


Now it's comfortable for me to say, "If I were a man I'd be gay." It feels like a simple fact. I don't remember wishing to be a woman when I was a man, though. I just was me in a different body through multiple lifetimes. I only have one single memory of being attracted to a woman, though that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I might not remember those lives this time for some reason.


Sea&Sky was talking about "temporal dysphoria" in another thread. I sometimes wonder if that sense of "I should be someone / someplace / sometime other than this," is a side effect of a life in which we hoped to accomplish more before the end.


My most vivid life in Japan ended on purpose and earlier than it might have. The way it ended made sense given the situation, culture, and era, but I do wonder sometimes whether I feel like I need to go back because I didn't do everything I planned to do back then. Maybe I just want another chance....

 

[soulcat]

I can understand how frustrating it would be to deal with people who want to live there for that reason, alone.

There are plenty of those people unfortunately. They have to be weeded out when companies are searching for employees who are here for


more serious reasons. The fact that I became interested and felt I "needed" to be in Japan without any apparent reason whatsoever makes


me believe I lived here before. That, and people repeatedly telling me they feel like they're talking to a native (my body language, disposition, etc.)

Interesting that you are straight no matter what body you're in. I'm interested in this detail since others have mentioned similar experiences.

I can't say that with 100% certainty but when I imagine myself in the body I wish I was in, I can't imagine myself as a lesbian and being attracted to "other"


women. Rather, I see myself with a man.

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Mere/Soulcat:


I'm Just chiming in, especially in view of Mere's comments regarding dysphoria. It seems to me that there is a lot of dysphoria on this board. Sometimes it is based on PL trauma. Sometimes it is the sense that we fit in somewhere else—another time, another place, another culture, another role, another gender—but not here. Sometimes it is also because the people we want to fit in with are not with us anymore. Dysphoria of one type or another is, as far as I can tell, actually one of the constants on this board with almost everyone. Still, that doesn’t mean that we jump out and admit it.


When it comes to the obvious PTSD type dysphoria, everyone recognizes it and doesn’t hesitate to mention it and talk about it. However, I think people are more hesitant with the other areas mentioned. At the start, when someone first begins posting, it seems like almost everyone thinks they are the only one who has an unaccountable longing for something else, and is sad that it is not there. No one wants to be seen as a whiner. We can understand the impact on someone who has had something terrible happen to them in this life or a PL, but it can seem merely self-indulgent and weak to be longing for a PL context, especially when there is nothing obviously wrong with our current life.


Life goes on, as it must. Still, the longing/sadness is there for many. Pretending otherwise may be a way of coping for some, but can be a source of additional pain for others.


Cordially,


S&S