Murderer in Past Life

[Michal]

Hello! Recently I have started working on myself a lot. I have been on a few EFT sessions and even found out that I killed my wife when she cheated on me, but I guess I wasn't ready for accepting that, because I haven't had any big feelings about that. But recently it came back to me with a lot of feelings, I remembered a lot of details about that situation and even remembered an another life, where I murdered women, which were willing to have sex with me without really being my girlfriends. The worst thing is that I remember enjoying doing that. I realised I have knew this all my life and I was able to recognize, that my constant feeling of being "tired" was actually a lot of sadness inside me.
Now I also recognized, that parts of these actions had been repeated in my current life - I never killed anybody, but I sometimes intentionally caused mental or physical pain to people, which were close to me... I really hope that these actions in my current life were the last pain I ever caused, since now I see these actions as bad and I am working on myself to get rid of the emotions, which caused these actions to happen. I tried to repair the damage I have done and I am trying to be a better person, willing to help others.
While searching for wisdom, I found this forum, where I found many answers to my questions and I must say, that this forum is a wonderful place, where people are evidentely trying to help each other and that's beatiful! I also learned to be thankful to those, which I hurt, for allowing me to have each of these experiences, which allowed me to evolve and finally start on making this world a better place. Because if I never made those mistakes, I wouldn't be able to make any progress with who I am and I am especially grateful to the people, which I hurt in this life, because they not only allowed me to make a mistake and learn from it, but they also accepted me as who I am and have forgiven me.
But still, I haven't be able to cure myself completly and I still feel a lot of shame and guilt for my past actions in this and especially previous lifes and I have two questions, for which I would like to seek answers.
First question is, if it's possible to stop feeling terrible about killing someone in a previous life. The main thing that bothers me is that I ended someone's life. These people could live happy life, could have made many memorios and could have done a lot of things in this world, but I (in a previous life) ended their life and I don't really see how I could live with that. I don't feel like it's someone's right to end another's person life and I really have no idea how to cope with that I did exactly that. I've made progress about the guilt, but I feel horrible about the stories of other people, which I ended - that's just horrible!
The second thing is, that I feel terrible that I have continued with being a bad person in a beginning of this life. Thankfully I haven't done anything big compared with my actions in previous lifes, but still, I feel like I should have made same progress and that I should have known better, with my knowledge from previous lifes. I feel terrible about continuing to exist as a bad person until recently.
I hope that one day I could be a better person, but without feeling all the shame and guilt, but I just don't feel like I am worth feeling happy right now. And if it's not clear, I regret being the persons who I was and I don't think that what I did was good in any way. I just hope to find a way to self forgivness, since I don't really feel like it's possible to forgive myself the sins I did.

 

[fireflydancing]

Hi Michal,

Until now, I remember at least three lives in which I was murdered. I don’t hold grudges. It’s the past, it’s only memories. Those people evolve as well during the endless lives we live.

I don’t exclude being responsible for other people’s deaths in the past. No clear memories but indications of having been a warrior multiple times. I hope I’ve been forgiven, like I forgave the ones who killed me.

So, my big question is: What was the turning point in this life for you, Michal?

 

[Michal]

Hello fireflydancing, thanks for your reply!

So, my big question is: What was the turning point in this life for you, Michal?

Well I think my turning point started four years ago, with a sexual health problem, where I have got varicose veins on a testicle. This problem was shortly followed by another chance with a cheating girlfriend - three years ago, I started dating a girl, which cheated on me after few months and at first, I felt nothing about that and I thought that I have forgiven her and moved on. But as months passed by, it started coming back to me and I found, that I was unable to forgive "such sin" - I was calling it that in the time. But I liked that girl a lot and I knew that she was regreting that, I even saw that part of the "blame" was on me (as in many cheatings), but I was unable to stop hating her for that. That relationship lasted for another two years which weren't really nice, since the hate in me was getting bigger and bigger and I was unable to solve it. But I tried and found many interesting philosophies and techniques, which I hoped would solve me my unability to forgive others. Looking back, even thought I thought I am a good person and even thought I was trying to be a better person, I was terrible person - I thought that I am always right and others are all sinners and other nonsense. I felt terrible and even twice hit the girl - one time I was really drunk and was unable to control myself and my terrible feelings, and the second time she hurt me unintentionally and I thought that I had the right to hit her back to show her how it feels. Every time I regreted it terribly once the feelings inside me calmed down. I feel awful about what I did and I regret it to this day. In the end we decided to break up and we met few times since and we both forgiven ourselfs, and I am really thankfull for that. Since then I realised I really need to change some things inside me and eventually got to the point, where I stopped blaming others and realised that all my hate towards others was acutally my own problem and that even my health problem is caused by something inside me. After that, I started making real progress towards learning to accept the world and people here the way they are and I started to learn how to forgive others. I was starting to feel better, but then out of nowhere one day came an unberable amount of sadness and guilt, which I later recognized was connected with the murders. I tried to find a way to forgive myself, but was again and again stopped by the terrible feeling that I shortened someone's life on this planet.

 

[Klaud]

It's possible to forgive yourself, but it'll probably take some time. It took me a long time just to accept what I did; I took the lives of many who are now very dear to me.

You're not that person anymore, you're you. Are you genuinely sorry and remorseful for what you did? Start there.

 

[Michal]

Hello Klaud, thank you for you reply! I am sorry to hear that you have similiar experience and I hope you were succesful with acceptance of your story.

Are you genuinely sorry and remorseful for what you did? Start there.

I would like to believe that I truly am sorry and remorseful of what I did, but is there a way to be really sure?

 

[Jaimie]

Hi

Thank you for daring to share your story. Think that takes some guts.

Killing your wife the way you describe it sound like what the french call a crime passionnel for believing your wife cheated on you. But killing one night stands women sounds like the horrible work of a psychopath. Do you remember if you ever confessed to anyone of what you had done ? What made you this way ?

I wonder if psychopaths are reborn as psychopaths or what the deal is with that. I wonder because I believe I was involved with someone who was this in a former life. I think some science say that psychopaths are simply born this way, their brains are, and it is not something one can cure. So if you were born a psychopath and it sounds as you are clearly not one now then maybe, as horrible as it may sound, you were meant to be a psychopath in that life.

I believe I was killed by my so called ex boyfriend that still wanted to be my boyfriend apparently and I would have horrible nightmares from young age about what happened, and especially the evil smirk on his face.

Then again I have experienced a memory from another past life where I felt like killing my husband and his lover ( yes, you read right, lover ), but I could not tell if the infidelity had really happened or not, and my husband was at the time very much on the defense and wanting to protect our marriage. But with this said, I do remember the blind rage I was in. "All" I did was grab my husband's hair in a violent way to force him to look up to "our guest" aka the man I suspected to have been his love, who sat opposite him in our kitchen, but the way I did it surprised me as I am a pacifist. Or so I thought ?? My husband was twice my size and could have hurt me, but he didn't. He was no pacifist and I remember him starting punch-fights even when the odds were bad because he thought some man was insulting me.

I think the focus is who you are now, and your actions in this life and to try not to make guilt push you over the edge to be self-destructive, but for you to move upwards and forwards.

You working on yourself in this manner is great, so please continue doing that

The whole cheating-issue seem to be something that has returned to you. You need to work out why. I have had things returned to me as well and have still not figured some of it out, but I will keep trying to find the answer to it.

Wish you all the best with this

/Jaimie

 

[Michal]

Hello Jaimie, thank you for your answer and kind words!

Do you remember if you ever confessed to anyone of what you had done ? What made you this way ?

I don't really have any strong memories about that. Sometimes I feel like I was sexually used in that life, but it isn't something I would be confident saying is true. But I do think that I understand the reasoning behind my actions, since even in this life and to this date, I sometimes can feel really strong emotions about people having one night stands, or just being a bit more sexually open and active. It's like something inside me just hates sex and everyone who is okay with "not being saint". Before, I used to think that it was just myself deciding what is "right and bad", but now I try to move on and I try not to judge others. And I do see that it was just my wrong perception of things and that it was just wrong to judge others behavior! But some kind of strong emotion still persist in me and I am sure that if I was weaker and if I wasn't trying to be a good person, I might get crushed by the emotion of "impropriety" and try to resolve it by "making the world a better place" - by for example killing the people who are living "badly". It's difficult to explain the emotion, but simply I would say that it feels like an unbearable amount of stress, with a feeling that "I know this better than others and it's my puprose to repair it". I really hate this emotion and I am trying to let go of it. I am also grateful that I was given enough strengh to bear it and not get mad, like maybe in a previous life. But still, I was sometimes overdriven by that emotion and for example I was saying my previous girlfriend how she was "bad" for having a few one night stands. Luckily, I now see how stupid that was and that it had nothing to do with love. But either way, I had feeling that I was "helping her" and making the world a better place, even though I was just saying her how bad she was and lowering her self esteem and I do regret that. But I truly believed I was helping her and I think that I might have thought the same, when I was horribly killing the women.

I think some science say that psychopaths are simply born this way, their brains are, and it is not something one can cure. So if you were born a psychopath and it sounds as you are clearly not one now then maybe, as horrible as it may sound, you were meant to be a psychopath in that life.

Yeah, I read a lot about that and it would make sense, but I also feel horrible about that, since I do hope that everyone can be cured and become a better person - thinking that some people are just unable to change and be better, it just scares me and makes me feel bad about them!

Thank you for your stories and I do hope you are feeling better now! In my story, the girlfriend from this lifetime which cheated on me also cheated with same sex. And actually I do believe, that the girl with which my ex-girlfrend cheated on me, was the same girl I killed in a previous life, after she had an affair. I cannot explain why i think that, but it's really strong feeling. I do think that it was maybe some sort of revenge from her to me, and I do hope that it helped her in some or other way to get over what I did. And I do think that it was maybe it, because before the one night stand "experiment" with my ex-girlfriend, she used to be sad and changed her partners a lot, but now she has a stable relationship with one man and seems to be happy.

The whole cheating-issue seem to be something that has returned to you. You need to work out why. I have had things returned to me as well and have still not figured some of it out, but I will keep trying to find the answer to it.

Yeah, my theory is that I need to learn that people make mistakes. That I need to learn the value of forgivness, and acceptance. I do hope that I could one day say, that I succesfully achieved that.

Thank you again for your reply, I am grateful for your encouragment. It's really hard being honest about these things, but I do find that even writing about it like this, without lying and with a lot details, helps me a bit somehow. And I do hope you will find reasons for your own returning issues/things soon!"

 

[Klaud]

Hello Klaud, thank you for you reply! I am sorry to hear that you have similiar experience and I hope you were succesful with acceptance of your story.


I would like to believe that I truly am sorry and remorseful of what I did, but is there a way to be really sure?

You just have to kind of feel it. Only you can tell you if you're sure. The only advice I can really give you is to not wallow in guilt; it'll eat you up.

Telling myself that I did it, it's over, and that it was time to move on really helped.

The hardest part now is trying to mend the relationships between myself and those I killed. We're getting there, but it's awkward having those horrible memories be so clear while the people around me can't consciously remember any of what happened.

 

[Jaimie]

Hi Michal !

Thank you too

I'm so sorry if you were the victim of child sexual abuse.

In a life from the 1920's I experienced getting myself pregnant without intent with the love of my life. We were young, I was younger than he was, I was in school, just a teenager. From everything I have seen we were very serious about one another. We came from different parts of the city, me from working class and he from higher. His father did not want us serious about one another. There was high hopes for his son career wise. He thought someone like me would only pull him down.

Again in another past life, in the 1950's ( I died quite young in the 1920's life ) karma returned as I once again became pregnant with the love of my life, out of wedlock again... Even if we were older than just teenagers we were sort of in the same boat because there was such promise to his future ( as turning the leaf from being a struggling, poor actor to a Hollywood high paid star ), and just like the life in the 1920's I -- and the baby growing in my tummy -- was in the way. Back then the studios owned your life. They one time made Marilyn Monroe chose from returning after having been secretly wed over the weekend, to either get a silent annulment, divorce, or rip of her contract and be out for good. The public was to know nothing of the wedding nor divorce. Back then if one studio kicked you out -- they all did. Their power was enormous. Needing money, I suppose, she did the latter.

As there were forces against us in the 1950's life for us to be serious I one time felt desperate and urged him to please marry me, for us to just do it, and he tried to calm me down and tell me it wasn't the right time. From then on I felt as if we were not equals anymore, we did not love each other as much. I loved him more. It was a secret pain. I was told to be patient, he one day wanted to marry me, but the situation was slowly but surely eating me up alive, I'm also highly sensitive, what can I say ? So when the moment came when I started to panic, realizing I could very well be pregnant, I had stepped further down on the ladder. I feared it looked like I had done this on purpose, to trap him into marrying me. Thing was, I had my integrity. I knew in my heart this was not the truth. I had not planed it. But I thought he would always suspect this. I was the one that was suppose to use the protection. And I could just hear him tell a good friend in confidence that hey, he had to do it because I got knocked up. That he would always think "what if..." regarding his promising career. I was someone most supportive of his career and I hated all of this for having happened even though I loved babies, I was so sure from before I wanted to be his wife and have his kids, it was my dream, my number one dream. As he could tell something was wrong ( at first I did not wish to share with him the information that I was pregnant, because I was in a whirl-wind of emotions myself ) he got it out of me. We started to talk. Then we started to argue. It ended with him telling me the rules of how our wedding was gonna be. It was his way or no way. That was how it felt. I thought it was the wrong way of doing it. That he, we would get more in trouble doing it that way, I was more concerned about him than of me, than if we just came clean to very few people who were in the need-to-know area, in order for them to help us. That the studio had to support our wedding. It was forbidden to elope. I had been by that time frighten enough of what would happen if we would do that as they must have suspected I was pushing for it before. As I rejected his idea he said, and these words echoed itself in my brain afterwards causing much damage "...you're on your own then". Like you are on your own with the pregnancy, that is how I perceived it. From then on it was very shaky between us. If and when he would bring up the pregnancy I would say "you don't need to bother about that anymore" ( when I had said that he tried to reach for me, to hug me with tears in his eyes, but I would not let him and ran back to my friends ).

The SHAME I felt in the 1920's and the 1950's life was very severe. I think I had always thought I would be married first and then be pregnant. It was how I had been raised. It was what I believed in. Yet, my actions did not, apparently. In both these relationships the intimacy came at a natural time in our relationships, after months I think. In both these lives I wore an engagement ring, but it was secret too. The society was ALWAYS tougher on the girl. She was bad. He was only a stallion. I was in both lives more concerned about the baby, what kind of life it would be for this baby, how society would judge my innocent baby who was made of love, but not to married parents.

In the 1920's life I remember my Papa took me to a priest, at his office in the church, in the back. I was really starting to become nuts with the shame and how to solve this. I kept saying that there has to be a place for us. I think it was some kind of pray I am not familiar with in this life, I got stuck on that sentence. I was teary eyed. I could not look up. I could not look up to see the priest's face, his eyes on me.

Having felt all of this I can actually understand the nut action of unmarried women being pregnant killing themselves, it is out of shame -- and it is NOT a shame they should carry at all.

I wonder if you might perhaps have had a past life where you were involved with the church somehow, because I remember how certain teachings could fill the eyes with contempt of some church goers or the priest. The religion teaching was much about putting fear in people, of what was right or wrong, and talk about God's hatred, punishment if you did wrong. At least that is how I remember it. I remember from the 1920's life that my Papa would now and then tell me to come and put my hand on the bible he held in his hand.

Thank you too for the kind words

/Jaimie

 

[Michal]

You just have to kind of feel it. Only you can tell you if you're sure. The only advice I can really give you is to not wallow in guilt; it'll eat you up.

Telling myself that I did it, it's over, and that it was time to move on really helped.

Thank your for this advice, I will try to make the most of it! And I wish you all the best with your efforts, I hope you will be able to mend your relationships.

I wonder if you might perhaps have had a past life where you were involved with the church somehow

Well maybe that could be something that could be true, since ever being a child, I felt that there is/was something wrong with religion and when I learned in history classes about how abusive some church were, I felt like that is the thing I don't really like. Actually I was born and live in Czech Republic, which is third most atheist country in the world (and nearly everyone in my life is atheist, not that I ever judged anyone who has a religion, I have few really good Christian friends) and I was always happy that I was not forced to go to a church. So maybe I choose this country, since I wanted to get rid of religion in my life, because of previous experiences with being in church. It would also make a lot of sense with the feeling of being right. And this actually reminded me of a few things that happened in my life, which I think are also weird and I really cannot explain them (and since it's quite a long post, I have to write it into the next one)

 

[Michal]

When I was a child, I started to be afraid of a toilet in our home and there were nights, when I just couldn't close my eyes, because every time I closed them, I started hearing weird noises from the toilet. Eventually I got my father to sleep few nights in my room and I think it resolved that for me, since after that I remembered it more like a funny story from my childhood and even though I was always acting like I still believe there was a ghost in the toilet when I told the story, I was sure that it was just a great example of child imagination combined with some noises caused by wind and neighbors.


But funny thing, as I got older, I started to get more and more scared of our house in the night again. I find that interesting, since when I was not at home, I wasn't scared at all - I even slept alone in the nature without a tent few times and wasn't scared of supernatural things at all. But going to the toilet at night was extremely frightening thing for me to do. Also sometimes the doors of the toilet opened by themselves, when they were not closed properly (I thought that was an effect of a wind) and music on my computer would sometimes randomly stop playing (which I thought was just some errors and stuff). Then last year I tried going through homeopathic treatment with my unability to forgive others and this feeling got a lot worse, and one night it got crazy. I must say, it was after break up with the girl who cheated on me and it was also after really hard examination period at my school, so it all could have been just an effect of a lot of stress. But this one night I went to the toilet, didn't close the door properly (since I didn't wanted to wake up others by that sound), but suddenly they opened with loud sound as they hit (with a lot of speed) wall on their end. Normally I would just guess that strong wind came and make nothing of it, but suddenly I felt like I was not alone and I started trembling a sweating. I run to my room, turned on all the lights I could and suddenly I had a vision that mother of my ex-girlfriend is a witch (can't really explain now, but in the night I believed it like a fact) and continued on sweating a and trembling like never in my life. I was sweating so much, that I had to change my pajamas every two minutes, later I left the effort and just went to bed naked, waiting until sunrise and only after that was able to sleep. And yeah, of course when I looked into the calendar, it was full moon. It's interesting since I didn't really believed anything supernatural, but now I am just open to everything and I tell the story as it happened to me. I didn't really knew what to do, because I felt like I went crazy and I was afraid of another night. Throughout the next day, I felt normally (only tired) and that got me really scared about my mental health. But when I told that my mother, she said that just day before, she was talking with a friend of ours, who helped us many times and that she told her a story about how she helped somebody get rid of ghost/lost soul and how to do that. Since I don't really believe to coincidences anymore, I said to myself why not try it, so I and my mother asked for more info and made the process which was described to us. It involved mainly trying to offer way out to anyone trapped inside our home. I didn't and still don't know if I should believe it worked, but when we finished, both I and my mother felt like something just left us (like when your friend leaves and you have that feeling like "okay, what now?"). Since then I was never really scared in our house again. And the doors opening and music on my computer randomly stopping, well, it stopped happening. But again, it could be just a coincidence, maybe our house moved and some patch fixed my computer. Who knows, but I still think that it could connect two ways with my story.


The first thing is that I was always sort of scared of churches. I could go to them, but I always felt something that got me out as soon as possible (this is boring; I want to see the town, not curches!; I would rather listen to birds outside and get a bit of sunshine...) and if it was possible, I stayed outside. I remember many occasions, when I stayed outside on the sun lying and enjoying the nature, rather than exploring nearby church with my friends or family. I just thought that it connected with me not liking religions and I was making fun of it, that I might be possessed and what not. But interestingly, after this process of "getting rid of ghost or lost soul" I enjoyed few visits to a church, even though I still feel the same things about a religion. Now I could not understand, how was I not enjoying churches in our art visit to Italy, when they were even more monumental than the ones I visited in Czech Republic now. Could it be that there was really something about me, that was scared of something good in a church? This got me thinking about your question with psychopaths - could it be, that their souls are "ill" and "possessed by something" or whatever way someone may call it, and like any other illness it could be cured by visiting nice places and for example this process of "getting rid ghosts and lost souls" is just creating a metaphor for some kind of medicine?


I don't know, but I do feel like I had, especially when younger, acted on many occasions like a psychopath. I don't know how to call it, and I haven't really hurt someone, it just wasn't normal behavior. I feel like I was ill at that time, because the things I did seemed perfectly normal to me at that time. I am talking like manipulating someone to do as I wish, and similar, fairly innocent things which haven't caused any damage. But still, I feel like it was all too "bad" given my age and things I should be thinking and doing. I always knew what to say and do, to get the things I wanted, as I was constantly analyzing and trying to think of the best way to act. And it wasn't like I could have learned that from my family, since they are all loving and kind, and even without manipulating them, I would get what I wanted, so I really shouldn't have needed to learn this way of existing. They were even trying to get me act more like a child, since I was, from a very young age, acting more like an adult than a child. I also, until recently, haven't had many emotions and was driven mainly by thinking about what I want and how should I get it. It can scare me, how much I was deaf to myself and my inner feelings. It wasn't like I haven't felt anything, but compared to version of me now, I felt maybe third of the things I feel now. Looking back, I was more like a robot than a human, even though I tried to act nicely and be good to others (and it wasn't like I was a bad person, people usually called me a good friend who, as they said it, was here for them). But isn't having no or little emotions part of being a psychopath? I truly wish that it is not the case, but still, maybe I really was a soul with one or more (I don't really know, since I can't really remember much) psychopathic lifes, and this life I try to get back to being "nice" or "healthy". I don't really know, but thinking back at what I remember from previous lifes and naming the life where I kill my wife like "getting ill" and the life where I killed more women as "being ill" and most of my current life as "slowly getting out of illness", it just makes me feel like it's the correct way to name it. But it's just a theory which came on me while writing this, so it might just be stupid nonsense.


Well and the second thing with which the story is connected is that I experienced the terrible trembling few times before, and it was when I was 18 and wanted to have my first sex, I was just unable to - I started trembling and felt extremely scared. I only remembered now, since it's something I am really embarrassed about and I tried really hard to forget it. But parts of that fear are still inside me to this date when something sexual is going to happen. What i find interesting is when I was younger, I had no problem with anything sexual at all, I had a few experiments when I was younger and I never felt anything like that, only as I got older I started to get more and more stressed about sex. And I don't really get that, since I have never experienced anything in this life, that could have caused that. I just suddenly started to be scared of sex. I do wonder if this is something that was also repeated in my previous lifes and maybe frustration from that encouraged me to act the way I did. I also wonder if this fear is something that maybe caused the cheating of my wife in a previous life, since I know that it helped in the cheating in this life (since the ex-girlfriend thought that the fault is on her side). But even if not, I wonder where this fear originates from.


As I am thinking about what I just wrote, I see that few years ago, I would call it total nonsense and myself someone mentally ill. Even to this date I have problems in believing in some things that I have experienced and how do I call it, so if it's too much "nonsense" for someone, I truly accept that and I'd like to apologize to you for writing that. But believe me, it's how I remember these things and I truly hope I haven't lost it yet.

 

[Jaimie]

Hi again !

The thing with the toilet area could be natural causes, but could also be as you suggest paranormal activity, I don't know. Maybe it was not always a toilet area ? Maybe a previous owner died there ?

It could also be the explanation that if you were in an upset mood yourself that you yourself have created these noises unintentionally, your energy has, sounds unbelievable I know, but that is a conclusion some have come to.

I have not seen anything, but felt during meditation someone or something either stroking me gently over the hair or even pinching me in the arm if I was in a scene that was unhealthy for me.

I do think that there are energies that respond to our own energy and can influence our own energy too, good and bad.

If you feel that something bad has attached itself to you then perhaps the solution is that you need to find the core of that bad within yourself and work on it and thereby get rid of it, then you will no more serve a purpose to what ever energy is bad and it will move on too.

Once I walked into a home first time and I "knew" something bad had happened in two rooms. One felt more grown-up stuff and the other felt more child-stuff. The owner told me at one point that her husband had declared he wanted a divorce in the grown-up room and the room where i had felt the child-stuff, had been a child-room once where their child had been crying and having trouble to sleep with all the turbulence going on between the parents. Even if things changed, the energies were still there, or at least I had still managed to pick up on them. I am still surprised about that.

naming the life where I kill my wife like "getting ill" and the life where I killed more women as "being ill" and most of my current life as "slowly getting out of illness", it just makes me feel like it's the correct way to name it. But it's just a theory which came on me while writing this, so it might just be stupid nonsense.

Yep, just keep walking on that path and you will get further and further away from it, but still you need to get to the core of it in order to be completely free from it. I know it is easy talk and much harder to do. If you are to meditate use white light protection for example. Ask to be protected.

I do wonder though if you were this psychopath and actually killed the women you had random short affairs with -- what was it in them that was not in you that was bad ? I mean, if you thought what they were up to were a form of sin, were you not equal to that sin yourself ? How come you were innocent, and they were not ? I mean, you were much worse regarding doing a sin, they were most likely with you because they found you attractive and wonderful. They were not there to hurt you or even worse to kill you ? I wonder if you were just born that way or if there was an answer to how this could have happened with you. My guess is that perhaps a childhood trauma in that life occurred with your mother or some other female that was important to you, to have caused this females over there and men over there and females are like this and they are bad etc, etc.

Have you considered the idea that you actually did not kill these women but fantasied that you did? I mean, I know it is still bad, but at least it is better than having done so for real ?

And maybe it was the same thing with your wife ? Maybe you did not kill her after all ?

I have memories from my past life where I daydreamed something and it was almost as strong as my other past life memories.

I have experienced the sad pattern of having been in relationships in few of my past lives with a violent man. So you see I was on the other side of the fence. I did not know these few from different past lives could be violent to me til it was too late, and then I was trapped.Even in the life where I was abused I still had a positive view of men in general.

Not to defend his violence I still remember her finding out little things here and there about the man that was violent to her and gluing together the picture of his past, his childhood and even what had happened in his love life, before her. And she blamed herself, how the relationship had begun, on such rocky ground and she could not wipe that out. To her it could explain why he got violent even if it did not excuse it.

I could see that he came from a home where his father was, in my book, "chilly" and his mother was what was considered "feminine" and inferior. I on the other hand came from parents where I was very close with my father, who was intellectual, sharp mind, strong in that, and my mother in that life was his equal and she had a worse temper than I had. So we were both molded from our backgrounds. So he might have imitated his and I mine when we collided, but I also fear this originates further back in other possible past live's behavior.

That is why it is so important to try to face things and deal with them or one will just keep paying for it and others that are close will pay as well. With me I think it has been depression, also a common theme from my past, so I have paid for it and others close to me has paid as well.

What you write about trying to manipulate people to do things your way etc rings a bell with me with the violent man. I had a good nose for what was genuine or not and did not look for perfection, I looked for imperfection to know when things were real and I appreciated that more than anything, really. He would manipulate people. He would use words that weren't his, that to me sounded like an imitation, like an echo, of a kind. He did not realize I saw through this. He would also lie. He would lie when there was no need to lie.

I think he did what he did because he needed to be in control. And fear was behind that. With him I could also sense a sadness I can't really put in the category when I have noticed that other people are sad. It was a different kind.

He was very good at sending out a perfect image of himself. Clothes, haircut, the way he moved, the way he talked.

People thought he was perfect to me, he was "dreamy". That he loved me very much.

I don't think I could tell the difference between a good heart exciting man and a not so good exciting man. I remember that there was something in their eyes that I fell for, a type of excitement, but I could not tell what it was exactly about it that attracted me. It may just have been a chemical thing, I don't know. It is still something that pains me though, like a mystery I don't get. Maybe my self worth was pretty low in one way that I was not even aware of myself, I don't know. It could also have been about me having a temper myself, even if I was not violent. I have been told that usually women get sad and frighten and cry, but with me I get angry. My mom said she was shocked that her little girl was like that, it was not what she expected. She said she would try real hard to change that, and she could not do it. I guess she did not view it as "feminine". My husband in this life has said too that he was shocked that fighting with me was like "fighting with a man". There has never been any violence between us.

I have always been described as looking and having a soft self, but like I said I have a temper and can start arguing with anyone, boss, doctors - who ever, if they are in a position that is above me, so to say, it is even worse. I get even more angry. It does not even have to be about me, I can get very protective of others. I get so furious if I see someone try to abuse their superior position to disrespect someone else. I see it nothing short of someone trying to bully someone else and I won't have it. I have to protest even if I know I will lose. But I can't tell you all the trouble it has put me in, from childhood til now. But I know if I will just sit and watch it happen to someone or myself I will feel even worse, so even if I know the outcome it is still better than accepting it.

I think with me it is that I desire closeness. And I know I can only have closeness if I am equal to someone. If they trust me, and I trust them. And I believe being equal is balance, is mutual respect -- and I think that is the way to go for me.

About what happened to you when you were 18 my guess is that the girl you were with was someone more special to you than anyone from your current past. So it was only natural that you were nervous. I think both male and females are, it is perfectly normal. Girls, women are most likely better to talk about these things then boys/men are. There is this false expectation that the guy will be some super-hero in performance and know everything and if not there is shame, shame, shame. I think what is happening to our society now with porn becoming more easily accessible on one side and on the other religion making people ashamed of sexuality is really 2 extreme ways of looking at sexuality. There should be a more openness and more human look to it, I think. I think sex is by its nature perfectly healthy and normal and beautiful. But I mean, one can chose to light a candle and one can chose to burn down a house. It is all in the free will of our minds. Still somehow it is strange that some people have forgotten this is perfectly natural and where babies come from. It should not be more complicated than that.

With this said it could be what you might think too, about your past life self/selves, what happened when you were 18. One can be effected in so many ways by the past. Because of my past life memories I got even more careful than I already was in lots of areas in my life, and especially regarding my love life as it was one big chapter of failure in my past life.

I think it is important to know the difference between one's action and who we really are. It is forever changing. We have free will. So your actions yesterday will not determine who you are and your actions today

/Jaimie

 

[KenJ]

Klaud, I just wanted to interject something that would slow the avalanche of words long enough to have your post acknowledged. Yes, that special feeling, the one that we feel are different than what was expected; something like the difference between a stick figure and the object it is meant to emulate.

 

[Sven]

For Michal: In my opinion, it’s time to let go and quit building anxiety and stress about things in your past lives. Nothing can be more crippling in your present incarnation than fretting about things that may or may not have occurred in a past life. As I see it, our souls are adventurous and look for a variety of experiences by way of many incarnations. The deeds we may do in some incarnations may be the very opposite of what we may do in other incarnations.
Again in my opinion, while malice towards others is beyond justification, the guilt we incur for such deeds belongs to the incarnations in which they were done. Leave the guilt there and live fully and joyfully in your present incarnation without that burden.

 

[KenJ]

Good post in my opinion. It often seems that members here get into a competitive mode of I was more famous/powerful/richer/abused/etc. to the point that it gets in the way of experiencing this current lifetime and associated lessons.

This forum is a wonderful place to have for us to discuss what we have to offer without making it a blog or comption of some kind.