Mere Dreamer
Senior Registered
The other night I asked my guides to help me figure out why I'm so stuck these days. (feeling very held-back from moving forward) After a few surreal visions that gave me a new perspective, I found myself in another past life.
I'm a boy, being choked up against a stone wall in a ruin by a man much bigger than I am. I realize it's my father. (Had to check and make sure I could still breathe because I could actually feel his forearm against my throat and nearly passing out.)
He let go and while I'm stumbling and gasping tells me not to follow him, or else, then goes out into the fields. I'm really concerned he's doing something that will hurt him/our family so I follow anyway and he ends up choking me to death in a ditch. While he's doing it, he tells me it's my fault for following him.
So I follow him as a spirit as he runs off to a woman in this dingy town of stone buildings and straw roofs, dirt/cobblestone streets. And I know he's going to "find" my body later and be all "Murder!" and get all sorts of sympathy.
I realize I can't protect my mother now that I'm dead, but I go check on her. She's doing needlework in our cottage, rocking beside a small window, and my baby sister sees me and laughs when I smile at her. She doesn't know I'm dead. Even the pet notices me and licks my hand before I'm pulled backward over the fields and woods.
Then I'm in the dark and I see this heavy cord from my heart, still connected to my father ... who was my X husband and tried to stifle/smother me virtually/emotionally in this life, also? Interesting pattern there. (I did my best to comply with his threats for years, too.)
I realized I was attempting to control him, feeling responsible for his choices, and wanting to prevent his actions from hurting others ... both in that life and this. That fear/controlling desire was binding me to him and draining me, so I wanted to cut it and be free.
Guidance took out a sword and chopped it off, right at my heart, then healed the hole. I no longer felt the residual asthma-pressure from the choking glimpse earlier.
I spent the last ten years learning not to let my X "choke me" while still rejecting his attempts to persuade me his choices were right/good. This desire to control or limit the effects of his choices by setting myself as the guardian between him and the world is a repeat pattern that I have slowly begun to notice in other relationships also.
It's the root of several emotional conflicts over the past year or two, even with my closest friends ... wanting to protect them from their pain or straining to keep them from making decisions that might hurt them ... trying to push my insight on them instead of respecting their need to learn things on their own and find their own strength.
This past life was a literal illustration of how I might have brought this emotional pattern into this life. I certainly feel like I finally have "let go" of that need to somehow buffer the world from my X so I can leave him to his own lessons.
I'm a boy, being choked up against a stone wall in a ruin by a man much bigger than I am. I realize it's my father. (Had to check and make sure I could still breathe because I could actually feel his forearm against my throat and nearly passing out.)
He let go and while I'm stumbling and gasping tells me not to follow him, or else, then goes out into the fields. I'm really concerned he's doing something that will hurt him/our family so I follow anyway and he ends up choking me to death in a ditch. While he's doing it, he tells me it's my fault for following him.
So I follow him as a spirit as he runs off to a woman in this dingy town of stone buildings and straw roofs, dirt/cobblestone streets. And I know he's going to "find" my body later and be all "Murder!" and get all sorts of sympathy.
I realize I can't protect my mother now that I'm dead, but I go check on her. She's doing needlework in our cottage, rocking beside a small window, and my baby sister sees me and laughs when I smile at her. She doesn't know I'm dead. Even the pet notices me and licks my hand before I'm pulled backward over the fields and woods.
Then I'm in the dark and I see this heavy cord from my heart, still connected to my father ... who was my X husband and tried to stifle/smother me virtually/emotionally in this life, also? Interesting pattern there. (I did my best to comply with his threats for years, too.)
I realized I was attempting to control him, feeling responsible for his choices, and wanting to prevent his actions from hurting others ... both in that life and this. That fear/controlling desire was binding me to him and draining me, so I wanted to cut it and be free.
Guidance took out a sword and chopped it off, right at my heart, then healed the hole. I no longer felt the residual asthma-pressure from the choking glimpse earlier.
I spent the last ten years learning not to let my X "choke me" while still rejecting his attempts to persuade me his choices were right/good. This desire to control or limit the effects of his choices by setting myself as the guardian between him and the world is a repeat pattern that I have slowly begun to notice in other relationships also.
It's the root of several emotional conflicts over the past year or two, even with my closest friends ... wanting to protect them from their pain or straining to keep them from making decisions that might hurt them ... trying to push my insight on them instead of respecting their need to learn things on their own and find their own strength.
This past life was a literal illustration of how I might have brought this emotional pattern into this life. I certainly feel like I finally have "let go" of that need to somehow buffer the world from my X so I can leave him to his own lessons.
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